America Turns 236, Can Finally Retire

WASHINGTON D.C. – After more than 200 years in the workforce, America is finally able to afford to retire, according to lawmakers on Capitol Hill.

America has a long history of odd and low-paying jobs. It entered the workforce as an operator of an Eli Whitney cotton gin, was an Indian river guide in the 1850s, worked at a Pullman Palace Car factory in the late 1800s, lost several fingers working in a meat packing plant in the 1900s, made bullets and canteens during the 1940s, was a typist during the 1950s, a tambourinist-for-hire during the 1960s, worked at a carwash in the 1970s, a video store during the 1980s, a Best Buy during the 1990s, and has spent the last ten years working in a distribution warehouse for Wal-Mart for minimum wage.  

Now set to retire, America says its going to visit relatives in Knoxville, check out some rummage sales, maybe take piano lessons.

“I’m looking forward to spending more time with my family,” America said in a statement. Calls to Canada, Mexico and several Caribbean nations weren’t immediately returned.

UPDATE: America recently received notice from its bank that it still has 10 more years before the interest on its student loans is paid off, and has gone back to work as a Rising Star trainee at a Cracker Barrel in Southern Indiana.

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