South Carolina Votes to Teach Argentinean Mistressing in Schools

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By Fake Journalist, The GayCo Fake News Gazette

COLUMBUS, S.C. – With 99 percent of precincts reporting, South Carolina looks to be the first state to mandate the teaching of Argentinean Mistressing in all K-12 public schools.

The state-wide proposition, nicknamed the Three to Tango Initiative, was supported by a whopping 84 percent of the South Carolina electorate. The other 16 percent either voted no, or had Cheeto residue smudging their choice.

“This is a win for all the children of South Carolina,” said the proposition’s author, former governor and U.S. representative-elect Mark Sanford. “Now, kids will receive in education that’s perfectly in line with today’s core Christian, conservative values.”

Religious leaders across the state are also celebrating, as they went to the pulpit in favor of Three to Tango, also known as No Child Left Behind In a Sexless Marriage Without Knowing That He Can Fly to Argentina For Some Sweet, Sweet Relief.

“God created Adam and Eve,” said Pastor Nelson Sinclair, a Blythewood resident, in a speech to his congregation last Wednesday. “And then God created Argentina when Adam got bored of Eve. It’s in the Bible.”

Three to Tango is designed to introduce concepts of Argentinean Mistressing in increments. Kindergarteners and First Graders will learn that Argentina exists and its people are attractive. Older students will learn how to buy airfare to Buenos Aires with only 48 hours notice. High school-age kids will then learn how to pray to Jesus for forgiveness immediately following sexual activity with an Argentinean mistress.

Schools across South Carolina are already putting up tablets engraved with the 10 Excuses To Give Your Wife, right next to the 10 Commandments.

“Literally the most important thing we need to teach our youth is that they can do anything, anything at all, as long as they say Jesus forgives them after they do it,” said Sanford. “Read any part of the Bible. It’s just men doing shitty thing after shitty thing and saying God told them to do it.”

Opponents, however, say that mandating the teaching of extramarital affairs in schools sends the wrong signal to our youth.

“We’re all so, so fucked,” said Nancy Berkley, a superintendent for district 7 schools in Myrtle Beach. “God, we are fucked. And not in the good, Argentinean way.”

Three to Tango is the first in a wider swath of education initiatives proposed by South Carolina’s Republican establishment, including ones that mandates teaching spinning guns on fingers (Proposition Bang Bang Bang!), one that would introduce gay bashing in all physical education classes (The Smear the Queer Act), and an abstinence-only-unless-the-guy-looks-like-Rush-Limbaugh-in-which-case-you’re-obligated-because-you’re-ugly-and-he-will-make-you-feel-pretty sex education program for girls (Proposition God Wants You To Be A Hooters Waitress).

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