Blackhawks Take to Prairie, Overturn Tepees to Celebrate Victory in Stillman’s Run Finals



SAUK VALLEY – In what was consider a major last-minute upset, the Sauk Indians, headed by their leader Black Hawk, defeated Major Isaiah Stillman’s brutish forces along the Rock River in the sixth day of the Battle at Stillman’s Run. This led to mass celebrations bordering on riots across the Northern Illinois prairieland and the Mississippi Valley.

“These Black Hawk fans were out of control,” said one unfortunate Sauk Valley resident caught in the chaos. “I was just trying to get to Sangamon Canal so I could float home, and it took forever.”

Several improvisers on their way to see the Hezekiah team Friday Night Butter Churn perform in a covered wagon also reported Black Hawk’s fans throwing trash at horses and urinating behind sod houses. Several visibly inebriated squaws were also seen sobbing as they sent smoke signals to unresponsive boyfriends.

The Battle of Stillman’s Run, one of the most exciting in Indian War history, was favoring the brutish Stillman until the final minutes, when Black Hawk pulled his back line defender Big Craw to allow for an extra attacker in their last-ditch offensive push. This allowed celebrated warrior Little Toes to grab a hatchet from defenseman Dunuak Keet and hand it to Briar Big Owl, who then threw the hatchet into the skull of a Stillman commander. Seventeen seconds later, Black Hawk’s warriors Oduya and Dove of the Land landed another hatchet into a white man’s skull, clinching victory for the Indian forces.

“We were down some of our key sergeants,” said Stillman after the grueling, bloody battle. “We didn’t protect our skulls us much as we should’ve, and we got outflanked.”

Black Hawk was elated in victory, but dismayed by his association with the excessive celebration in his name. “I think it could set a bad example for the white man, should they eventually be victorious in brutally exterminating the Sauk tribe and erasing its rich history and culture.”

“I mean, let’s be honest, pretty much the last thing I would want would be for my name to become an arbitrary excuse for white people to get shitfaced,” Black Hawk added.

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