BREAKING: Justice Scalia Cries Himself to Sleep Again
WASHINGTON D.C. – After being dealt a surprise loss at the Supreme Court Thursday morning when the SCOTUS voted 5-4 to uphold Obamacare, Justice Antonin Scalia returned to his home, collapsed face-first into his train-print pillow, kicked his legs until he was exhausted, and sobbed himself to sleep again.
“He was really upset by the decision,” said fellow Justice Ruth Ginsberg. “He doesn’t like it when he doesn’t get his way.”
While Justice Kennedy delivered the dissent, Scalia took out his favorite crayons and wrote his own addendum that said, in part. “Obamacare is the WORST and it SUCKS and YOU’RE ALL STOOPID POOPS AND I HATE YOU!” Also included was a drawing of a dog peeing on crude approximations of the five justices who voted to uphold the Affordable Care Act.
“He’ll calm down,” said Ginsberg. “He just needs some warm milk and maybe some Dunkaroos.”
Chief Justice Roberts, meanwhile, has been patiently but gently knocking on Scalia’s door, trying to coax him out of his room by promising to strike down any law that expands voter rights for minorities or poor people.
“We’ll hate the next case that comes to us, Antonin,” Roberts was overheard saying. “Do you come out now? We’ll go to Pizza Hut! And be openly hostile to the immigrants who work there!”
“He’s just very passionate about these sort of rulings,” said Roberts. “He’s a big ball of emotions.”