Gymnast MyKylyylye Brewer Favored Win Gold in 2016, Based Solely On Number of Ys in Her Name

  LONDON – While the media is abuzz about the U.S. Women’s dominating and inspiring gold medal victory in women’s gymnastic at the XXX Olympiad, pundits are already looking ahead to 2016 and putting their money on 14-year-old Corpus Cristi, Texas, native MyKylyylye Brewer. “MyKylyylye has everything,” says U.S. assistant gymnastic coordinator Rhonda Sherman. “She’s […]

Chick-Fil-A Just Wants First Time To Be Special, Says Tragic and Oblivious Girlfriend

COLLEGE PARK, GEORGIA – Even though they’ve been dating for more than 7 years, Abigail Johnston and fast food chain Chick-Fil-A are in no hurry to take things to the next level. “Chick-Fil-A just wants the first time to be really special,” said Johnston as she looked vacantly into the distance. “He just gets tired after we gorge on […]

America Turns 236, Can Finally Retire

WASHINGTON D.C. – After more than 200 years in the workforce, America is finally able to afford to retire, according to lawmakers on Capitol Hill. America has a long history of odd and low-paying jobs. It entered the workforce as an operator of an Eli Whitney cotton gin, was an Indian river guide in the 1850s, worked at […]

CNN, Fox News Report Anderson Cooper is Heterosexual, a Day Bed

  NEW YORK – Botching the biggest coming out story of the summer, cable news titans CNN and Fox News accidentally misinterpreted an email from CNN acnhor Anderson Cooper to political columnist Andrew Sullivan and accidentally reported that Cooper was completely heterosexual. “We have breaking news from New York,” announced Wolf Blitzer minutes after Sullivan posted Cooper’s coming out email […]

Tom Cruise And Katy Holmes Divorce, Cite Irreconcilable Thetans

    HOLLYWOOD CA – One thing is “clear”: the fairytale romance between Tom Cruise and Katy Holmes is over and they’ve cited “irreconcilable thetans” as their reason. A source close to the couple says the couple couldn’t agree on which level of Scientology auditing constituted being “clear” of thetans, or the highly controlling alien souls […]

BREAKING: Justice Scalia Cries Himself to Sleep Again

WASHINGTON D.C. – After being dealt a surprise loss at the Supreme Court Thursday morning when the SCOTUS voted 5-4 to uphold Obamacare, Justice Antonin Scalia returned to his home, collapsed face-first into his train-print pillow, kicked his legs until he was exhausted, and sobbed himself to sleep again. “He was really upset by the decision,” […]

Gay Men’s Choir Ends Concert With Haunting Version of ‘Chow Down (At Chik-Fil-A)’

  PHILADELPHIA – After an hour of performing creative and stirring interpretations from the Great American Songbook, the Philadelphia Gay Men’s Concert Choir closed their annual June concert with a deeply haunting version of ‘Chow Down (At Chik-Fil-A)’ to a rapturous audience. “There wasn’t a dry eye in the house,” said concertgoer Phyllis Booker. “When [soprano] […]

Ex-Girlfriends Agree: Adam Carolla’s Penis is ‘Very Funny’

June 20, 2012 – Male comic Adam Carolla, who recently got in hot water for claiming women aren’t funny, is in the news again as five separate ex-girlfriends have separately agreed that while women may not be funny, Adam Carolla’s penis certainly is. “It’s just a goofy shape,” said Ellen Holmesworth of Cleveland, Ohio. “It was so, so funny. […]

Michigan To Rename Vagina ‘Job Creator Creator’

In the wake of the recent controversy where the word “vagina” was banned from the House floor in the Michigan state legislature, Michigan GOP lawmakers passed a bill officially renaming the vagina the Job Creator Creator. “We were tired of women misleading the public by using scientific, or should I say liberal, terminology to describe their […]

14 Billionaires Narrowly Win Wisconsin Recall Election

    In a close recall election in Wisconsin Tuesday night, Democratic challenger and Milwaukee mayor Tom Barrett was narrowly defeated by deeply unpopular  incumbant governors David and Charles Koch of Koch Industries, ABC Supply chairman Diane Hendricks, Wal-Mart heiress Christy Walton, Houston Texans owner Robert McNair, Amway founder Richard Devos, Home Depot founder Bernard Marcus, Aon founder […]

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