Chick-Fil-A Just Wants First Time To Be Special, Says Tragic and Oblivious Girlfriend

COLLEGE PARK, GEORGIA – Even though they've been dating for more than 7 years, Abigail Johnston and fast food chain Chick-Fil-A are in no hurry to take things to the next level.

“Chick-Fil-A just wants the first time to be really special,” said Johnston as she looked vacantly into the distance. “He just gets tired after we gorge on waffle fries and then belt showtunes and rummage through my closet to make crazy outfits for our pretend fashion shows.”

Johnston, a plain-loooking choir teacher with braces with a penchant for floor-length paisley skirts,  describes their relationship as more “emotional” than “physical.”

“I know he loves me,” said Johnston, who confirmed that she never dated in high school or college. “We're, like, best friends. We love to play board games and east chicken sandwiches and sing songs and paint each other's toenails crazy colors and snuggle on the couch and watch Strong Medicine.”

“We don't need sex to define our relationship,” she added. “And seven years isn't that long. It's not weird. It's <i>not</i> weird.”

Johnston and Chick-Fil-A met at a strip mall during a stop on her way to a summer Bible retreat. They immediately bonded over Christian singer Twila Paris' signature strawberry blonde hair.

“Chick-Fil-A loves red-haired ladies,” says Johnston, who has brown hair. “He always wants to be Geena Davis when we sing the team song from A League of Their Own. He makes me be Rosie O'Donnell. He loves that movie.”

Johnston's mouth then dropped open as she sat in stunned silence for a moment. “Oh my God…” she whispered, before crumpling into knowing tears.

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