CNN, Fox News Report Anderson Cooper is Heterosexual, a Day Bed

 

NEW YORK – Botching the biggest coming out story of the summer, cable news titans CNN and Fox News accidentally misinterpreted an email from CNN acnhor Anderson Cooper to political columnist Andrew Sullivan and accidentally reported that Cooper was completely heterosexual.

“We have breaking news from New York,” announced Wolf Blitzer minutes after Sullivan posted Cooper’s coming out email to his blog. “And it looks like Anderson Cooper unequivically loves females, sexually. We’ll keep an eye on this as it develops.”

Meanwhile, over at Fox, host Megyn Kelly also incorrectly reported Cooper coming out as a day bed. “A Fox News alert is coming in, ladies and gentlemen, and it looks like Anderson Cooper has just come out as a day bed. Some would call it a hide-a-bed, but the politically correct term I believe is day bed. This is truly shocking news.”

Minutes later, Blitzer issued a correction. “It looks like Anderson Cooper is, in fact, homosexual, which my producers are telling me is the opposite of not homosexual. If this is true, we will definitely be keeping an eye on this as it develops.”

Kelly was less apologetic for Fox’s error: “What I meant to say earlier is that Anderson Cooper is as gay as a day bed.  We’re just reporting the facts as we receive them, folks.”

CNN, for their part, has issued an apology, claiming their journalists were distracted by all their giant touch-screen monitors and frivilous hologram technology and completely forgot that they were journalists.

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