Drag Queen Comes Out as Boring

 

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FT. LAUDERDALE–Inspired by the recent coming out of NBA center Jason Collins, the first for a still-active male professional athlete, Ft. Lauderdale drag queen Anna Histamine has come out as the first openly boring drag queen in American history.

“I’ve been living a lie and wanted to be true to myself,” said “And, despite my career as a wild, over-the-top Bingo night hostess and Melissa Manchester impersonator, I’m actually a Boring American.”

The news sent shockwaves through the hyper-exciting, creative and extremely fabulous world of drag, one which some critics have been unsure is ready for a boring performer. Ready or not, Histamine is no longer hiding.

“Yes, I’m a fabulous draq queen. That hasn’t changed. But I also go to bed by nine o’clock. I DVR Mike & Molly. I love getting Au Bon Pain to go. And I’m still reading The Corrections after starting it two years ago. I’m dull as hell, and proud to admit it.”

Histamine, who came out on her Pinterest wall between an Asian salad recipe and a picture of a fern, has drawn cheers from her fellow drag queens as well as other members of the LGBAS (Ladies and Gentlemen Who are Boring as Shit) community.

“We’re so proud of Anna for raising awareness for our people,” said notable LGBAS activist and Twilight star Kristen Stewart, in a joint statement with Matchbox 20 frontman Rob Thomas. “Together, we can make a difference and boring people can have a seat at the table.”

“We knew this day would come,” said fellow Ft. Lauderdale drag queen Exxotica Xxtreme, a Fun-American but proud supporter of Boring rights. “At some point, draq queens would become so ubiquitous that, statistically, one of us would have to be slightly uninteresting. I’m so proud of Anna for the first to openly embrace the fact she’s a tediously unremarkable human being.”

Histamine will begin a tour of  in south Florida in May, after she gets a cavity filled and buys a new pee pad for her cocker spaniel Barky.

“I’m just ready to be me,” said Histamine. “Honda Accord and all.”

“By the way, have you ever seen that Harrison Ford movie, Extraordinary Measures? It’s pretty good,” added Histamine while playing Bejeweled on her T-Mobile flip phone.

 

 

 

 

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