By Fake Journalist, The GayCo Fake News Gazette

COLUMBUS, S.C. – With 99 percent of precincts reporting, South Carolina looks to be the first state to mandate the teaching of Argentinean Mistressing in all K-12 public schools.

The state-wide proposition, nicknamed the Three to Tango Initiative, was supported by a whopping 84 percent of the South Carolina electorate. The other 16 percent either voted no, or had Cheeto residue smudging their choice.

“This is a win for all the children of South Carolina,” said the proposition’s author, former governor and U.S. representative-elect Mark Sanford. “Now, kids will receive in education that’s perfectly in line with today’s core Christian, conservative values.”

Religious leaders across the state are also celebrating, as they went to the pulpit in favor of Three to Tango, also known as No Child Left Behind In a Sexless Marriage Without Knowing That He Can Fly to Argentina For Some Sweet, Sweet Relief.

“God created Adam and Eve,” said Pastor Nelson Sinclair, a Blythewood resident, in a speech to his congregation last Wednesday. “And then God created Argentina when Adam got bored of Eve. It’s in the Bible.”

Three to Tango is designed to introduce concepts of Argentinean Mistressing in increments. Kindergarteners and First Graders will learn that Argentina exists and its people are attractive. Older students will learn how to buy airfare to Buenos Aires with only 48 hours notice. High school-age kids will then learn how to pray to Jesus for forgiveness immediately following sexual activity with an Argentinean mistress.

Schools across South Carolina are already putting up tablets engraved with the 10 Excuses To Give Your Wife, right next to the 10 Commandments.

“Literally the most important thing we need to teach our youth is that they can do anything, anything at all, as long as they say Jesus forgives them after they do it,” said Sanford. “Read any part of the Bible. It’s just men doing shitty thing after shitty thing and saying God told them to do it.”

Opponents, however, say that mandating the teaching of extramarital affairs in schools sends the wrong signal to our youth.

“We’re all so, so fucked,” said Nancy Berkley, a superintendent for district 7 schools in Myrtle Beach. “God, we are fucked. And not in the good, Argentinean way.”

Three to Tango is the first in a wider swath of education initiatives proposed by South Carolina’s Republican establishment, including ones that mandates teaching spinning guns on fingers (Proposition Bang Bang Bang!), one that would introduce gay bashing in all physical education classes (The Smear the Queer Act), and an abstinence-only-unless-the-guy-looks-like-Rush-Limbaugh-in-which-case-you’re-obligated-because-you’re-ugly-and-he-will-make-you-feel-pretty sex education program for girls (Proposition God Wants You To Be A Hooters Waitress).

We see them at the bar, the softball fields, the festivals.  That group of cool lesbians on the prowl.  Like any pack animal there is a natural pecking order.  The suave alpha leader, the young pups, the loser at the bottom.   Which one are you?  Take this quiz to find out.    And come see GayCo’s  She-wolves in action at “Breast in Show”.  Sunday nights at 7:30pm at pH Theater running until May 26!!

She-Wolf Quiz

Got your result of the quiz?  See who you are below!!

AMY

Amy is the alpha.  She’s the one in charge and nobody messes with her.  When the pack is on the hunt for ladies she always gets first choice.  If you can’t be an Amy, you at least want to be the one she picks.  The crowd ain’t the only thing that will part when she walks in the room.  (your legs.  we are talking about your legs)

BEATRICE

Beatrice, the second in charge,  has a brain in her head.  She could lead the pack but is just buying her time.  This lady may look sweet but she always has a plan.  Not as aggressive as Amy but she can get rough if you know what we mean.   Oh wait, rough is a pun. Like ruff.  Hilarious.  And she can kayak.

GIGI

Gigi doesn’t like conflict.  She just wants to hang out and stay cool.  The type of girl that will want to go to Taco Bell at 3am in the morning.  Or at noon.  Especially at 4:20.  You may find her in dreds or with no hair at all.  She don’t care.

DEE-DEE AND ELAINE

The youngest of the pack and they usually come in pairs.  They are always messing around with something or someone.   There is no such thing as a walk of shame for these girls.  They have alot of energy for sports and are always on the the hunt for the most dangerous game:  lesbians.  Some of them can be mean.

MEG

Meg is the runt of the pack.  The only girl she’s getting is the one the others don’t want.  She’s often asked to come along only to be the designated driver.    Although most of the pack make fun of her they will all protect her if threatened by another pack.  Better to be Meg than not in a pack at all.

By Gwyneth Paltrow* (reposted from her lifestyle site GOOP.com)

It’s one of those days: You’re sunning peacefully on your yacht in Monte Carlo and sipping an organic carrot juice spritzer as part of a seven-day juice fast to get ready for Paris Fashion Week when suddenly the phone rings and you’re cast in a blockbuster superhero franchise and you’re suddenly at the mercy of shooting schedules and craft services. Don’t you hate when that happens? I do too! Holla to the moms out there!

How do you balance your organic, holistic lifestyle with on-location shoots and unreliable catering? How do you keep your beauty regimen up despite your character’s reddish bangs?

Next time you land a role as a sexy, smart female assistant to a quippy superhero in an all-star comic book blockbuster adaptation, remember these 5 easy tips to keeping that tummy trim and your spirit fed!

Bring Your Own Kimchi

It’s the age-old dilemma: The spiced Korean vegetable selection on your film’s craft services spread is obviously lacking, but you don’t want to make a fuss and be labeled as difficult and fired and replaced by Emma Stone. Here’s a timeless solution: Have your assistant store sixteen to twenty-four individual, hand-blown Italian glass containers filled with kimchi in your self-refrigerated Dolce & Gabana seal skin picnic basket. Then, once on set, simply ask for a large artisan refrigerator in your trailer, chill and eat during breaks or whenever you have a craving!

Tell The Director Your Bikram Yoga Guru is Your Cousin

I wouldn’t dare step on set without Rishki, my Bikram Yoga guru. I can’t afford an extra tummy fat when I’m filming my reaction shots to Robert Downey Jr.’s sort-of-humorous, long-winded monologues about new Iron Man suit technology. However, some directors don’t like shirtless Indian men with crystals glued to their chest hanging around set (apparently boom mikes can pick up their finger chimes), so simply tell the director Rishki is your cousin Lloyd and he’s working on a paper for a college class. If the director doesn’t believe you, simply burst into tears and run away to your trailer and slam the door three or four times. Then, after five minutes, return and apologize to everyone and tell the director you are in love with his vision. Remember to have your assistant offer the gaffers some of your homemade chard-and-tarragon ceviche! You don’t want to be replaced by Emma Stone.

No Voss Water Colonics On Stunt Day!

I know, I know. It’s hard for me to go even a day without four or five lavender-infused Voss Water colonics, too. But as all us ladies know, if you thanklessly star in enough male-dominated installations of a blockbuster superhero movie franchise, your helpless character might eventually get to do cool stuff! This means you’ll have to do stunts, like duck gunfire or hold tightly to Robert Downey Jr. while dangling in front of a green screen. Save your colonics for days where you won’t be upside down or running. Trust me! I learned the hard way. They might as well have called my movie Sliding Doors, Sliding Drawers! Holla! Oh, and when you DO have a colonic, try adding a pinch of truffle oil to the water. It’ll take years off of your colon!

Sobbing About Your Career = Great Ab Workout!

Sure, you may be starring in what’s sure to be the summer’s biggest hit. And you’ve may have just been named People Magazine’s Most Beautiful Woman in the World. But a true actress knows she has to sob about the trajectory of her career at least twice while on set, mostly because it’s a fantastic way to tone up those abs! First, sit in the director’s chair. Next, as your assistant tries to feed you your kimchi, try sobbing for five seconds with your chest in your lap. Then, slowly sit straight up to swat away co-stars’ hands as they try to console you. Repeat 6-8 times. For your obliques, try sobbing in the opposite direction of the director, who is trying to get you to get out of his chair. Hold for sixty seconds and then turn and face your director and scream about how worthless you feel, while holding that side for sixty seconds as well. Repeat 6-8 times.

Steal All Your Character’s Jewelry

Just snatch that shit up on the last day. All of it. Get Rishki or whatever the fuck his name is to pull the Fiat around and keep it running and just BAM! Put it all in your empty kimchi containers and hide in your artisan picnic basket and say your goodbyes then run and jump in the back seat and yell “GO GO GO!” Then wear all that jewelry later and tell Melissa Rivers on the red carpet it’s $10,000 of Tiffany/Buccellati/Harry Winston, because she don’t fuckin’ know. Fuck her. Don’t be a little bitch, just steal it. It’s the last day of shooting. What are they going to do? Replace you with Emma Stone?

Holla to the moms out there!

*Not actually written by Gwyneth Paltrow, who we hear is delightful

FT. LAUDERDALE–Inspired by the recent coming out of NBA center Jason Collins, the first for a still-active male professional athlete, Ft. Lauderdale drag queen Anna Histamine has come out as the first openly boring drag queen in American history.

“I’ve been living a lie and wanted to be true to myself,” said “And, despite my career as a wild, over-the-top Bingo night hostess and Melissa Manchester impersonator, I’m actually a Boring American.”

The news sent shockwaves through the hyper-exciting, creative and extremely fabulous world of drag, one which some critics have been unsure is ready for a boring performer. Ready or not, Histamine is no longer hiding.

“Yes, I’m a fabulous draq queen. That hasn’t changed. But I also go to bed by nine o’clock. I DVR Mike & Molly. I love getting Au Bon Pain to go. And I’m still reading The Corrections after starting it two years ago. I’m dull as hell, and proud to admit it.”

Histamine, who came out on her Pinterest wall between an Asian salad recipe and a picture of a fern, has drawn cheers from her fellow drag queens as well as other members of the LGBAS (Ladies and Gentlemen Who are Boring as Shit) community.

“We’re so proud of Anna for raising awareness for our people,” said notable LGBAS activist and Twilight star Kristen Stewart, in a joint statement with Matchbox 20 frontman Rob Thomas. “Together, we can make a difference and boring people can have a seat at the table.”

“We knew this day would come,” said fellow Ft. Lauderdale drag queen Exxotica Xxtreme, a Fun-American but proud supporter of Boring rights. “At some point, draq queens would become so ubiquitous that, statistically, one of us would have to be slightly uninteresting. I’m so proud of Anna for the first to openly embrace the fact she’s a tediously unremarkable human being.”

Histamine will begin a tour of  in south Florida in May, after she gets a cavity filled and buys a new pee pad for her cocker spaniel Barky.

“I’m just ready to be me,” said Histamine. “Honda Accord and all.”

“By the way, have you ever seen that Harrison Ford movie, Extraordinary Measures? It’s pretty good,” added Histamine while playing Bejeweled on her T-Mobile flip phone.

**END OF THE MONTH PERK OF THE DAY**

Sun, March 31st:  The first 5 people who donate $500 get a song written about you or the subject of your choice by GayCo!  Also… 

END OF THE MONTH BLOW OUT – Previous day’s perks for discounted amounts! 

If you didn’t take advantage of them earlier you still have a chance TODAY for a bargain! (unlimited available unless it says otherwise)
              $65 - a mention in the Breast in Show program;
              $215 - your name/the name of your choice used in Breast in Show (3 available);
              $95 - a fun smear campaign ad about you/person/topic of your choice;
              $45 - a cast autographed poster for GayCo’s Breast In Show and a baseball signed by Steve Stone^.

Sat, March 30th:  The first 5 people who donate $55 get a cast autographed poster for GayCo’s Breast In Show (that runs Sundays April 21 to May 26th) and Sharon Stone’s* autograph.

Fri., March 29th:  The first 5 people who donate $150 get a fun political campaign smear video/DVD about them or whoever they want (like the ones found in the GayCo’s Best American Election)

Thurs., March 28th:  The first 5 people who donate $250 get their name (or the name of their choice) mentioned within the Breast in Show SHOW! (runs 4/21 through May)

Wed., March 27th:  The first 5 people who donate $75 get their name (or the name of their choice) in the Breast in Show Program (Opens 4/21 and runs Sunday at 7:30p through May)

 (*Not the actress.  Just some lady with the same name.)

(^Not the SOX announcer.  Just some guy with the same name)

To help us fund a variety exciting projects slated for 2013, including remounting our popular all women revue “Breast in Show”, closing out the last two weekends of Pride with our sexy GLBT comedy, and creating a brand-new fall sketch comedy spectacular (to name a few), we’re asking friends and allies of GayCo to “give us five.” Dollars, that is. A donation as small as $5 or larger with “5″ in it, will help us continue to create thought-provoking, intelligent, uproarious entertainment where gay is the given and never the punchline.

Beware of the FIVES OF MARCH…

GayCo is the nation’s premiere purveyor of gay sketch comedy. It’s also a 501(c)(3), which is fancy government-speak for a non-profit organization, which means donating to us is both tax deductible and highly glamorous!

It also means that funding for our shows comes largely from the generous donations of friends and allies in the community.

Thank you in advance for your continued support!

(Feeling like electronic donating is too easy? Then please mail your donation to: GayCo Productions, 5353 N. Magnolia, Chicago, IL 60640. Make checks payable to GayCo Productions.)

The women of GayCo invite you to love the ladies (it’s the cheapest form of birth control) in this original sketch revue originally workshopped at Second City’s DeMatt Theater and Apollo Theater Studio.

Lesbians are on the prowl as they explore the compromises made when you find the one (with a great ass). Dora the Explorer copes with a tell-tale haircut as she struggles to make her way through Obamacare; Illinois Department of Human Services determine how social a sperm donor can get; and GayCo boldly embraces lesbian stereotypes in their most epic Softball scene ever.

Six talented comediennes take charge in this hilarious sketch revue.  GayCo doesn’t just shatter the glass ceiling– they polish it up to a high glamour so that women can see through. Thanks Libby whats-her-name!

To purchase tickets — CLICK HERE! or call 773-961-8214

Breast in Show
Sundays April 21 – May 26
7:30pm
$15 ($10 for students with valid ID)
pH Comedy Theater
1515 W. Berwyn Ave

Directed by Katie Watson
Musical Direction by Mike Goldman (composed by Sean Sykes)
Written and Performed by Kelly Beeman, Kathy Betts, Judy Fabjance, Becca Levine, Kelly Yacono, and Alex Miller-Vanover.  (Writing credits include Michelle Marquardt and Ariana Wheat )

RALEIGH, N.C. – After months of urging his friends and family to exercise their right to vote and support democracy, posting political articles to his Facebook and following poll numbers while at work, Tom Hilderbrook, 36, proudly cast his vote for president of the United States, a few Congressional races he had mild familiarity, six local officials he’d maybe heard of once, and 14 judges he’s never, ever heard of before in his life.

“I just checked all the judges off that belonged to my political party,” said Hilderbrook. “It felt really good.”

He then took an Instragram photo of his ballot receipt and shared it via various social networking sites as a testament to the power of democracy.

“The choice for president was crystal clear,” Hilderbrook added. “And I knew a little bit about that lady running for senate with weird hair, so I voted for her. And for the rest, it was Democrat all the way.”

The one exception was Judge Meredith Coonswallow of the 64th Ward, a Republican, whom Hilderbrook voted for because he thought her last name was hilarious.

“I mean, I can’t not vote for someone named Coonswallow,” said Hilderbrook.

Hilderbrook plans to spend the rest of the day reminding friends that he voted and shaming those who don’t, and making fun of those who he feels are uninformed.

“You have to vote,” said Hilderbrook. “It’s practically a matter of life and death.”

In other news, a new study finds that local judges and politicians have 17,000% more impact on your actual life than any mythologized leader who might live in a
house on the border of Maryland and Virginia.

Packaging up oldies, but goodies from Christmas past (‘Scream If You Love Christmas’ and ‘Lit’), GayCo gives you the Best (of) Christmas EVER!

Show runs Thursdays at 8pm until December 27.

Tickets are $15 at the door, by phone, or online.

Directed by Brett Mannes
Performed by Kathy Betts, Amanda Cohen, Christopher ‘Tito’ Lotito, Alexandria Miller-Vanover, Jamie Newland, and Robin Trevino.

Thursdays at 8PM, November 29 – December 27.
Annoyance Theatre
4830 N. Broadway
773-561-HONK (4665)

http://www.annoyanceproductions.com/shows/index.shtml

Over the past year, this country has broken out into a multi-faceted, spectrum-spanning – and bitchy! – political debate!   We found our disparate sociopolitical views tearing us apart, much like a bald eagle tears apart its prey.

This November you face one of the most important decisions of your generation. The consequences could not be more dire.  And it is your responsibility to fulfill your civic duty and answer the question:   Which member of GayCo is truly the Best American?

Five members of GayCo – Kelly Beeman, Kathy Betts, Judy Fabjance, Clay Goodpasture, and Brett Mannes – have thrown in their hats and accepted their self-nomination for GayCo’s Best American.

Now we need you to choose the winner!

Check back every week to see the new election content posted by our 5 front-runners. Hear what they have to say about themselves and their opponents. Then, cast your vote for GayCo’s Best American.

We will announce the winner of GayCo’s Best American at a Special Campaign Event ”Vote Early and OFTEN!” We are going to put the “political” and the “party” back in “political party!” Sunday, November 4th, 8:15p-9:30p @ the Annoyance Theatre (4860 N. Broadway, 773-561-4665)

Then stick around and see the opening of John Loos’ show, Adorable Disasters at 9:30pm.

Now go to the top menu and check each candidate’s page for their Biography, Platforms, Campaign Ads, Announcements, and more!

Campaign Update: CLAY VOTES:

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Campaign Update: Come meet the candidates and place as many votes as you can at the Vote Early and OFTEN political PARTY @ the Annoyance Theatre, Sunday, Nov. 4th, 8:15p-9:30p.

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CAMPAIGN UPATE:  Judy Fabjance – Not a REAL American

Clay Goodpasture is proud to throw his hat into the ring for GayCo’s Best American.  Clay is originally from the South where he was raised on wholesome Christian principals and brought up saying ‘Yes Ma’am’ ‘No Sir.’  He was raised in the sweet tea coated foot hills of the Smoky Mountains where he learned that hard work is the only way to change the course of America.  Clay went to a small liberal arts college in  Berea, KY where he got a worthless degree in Theatre, but don’t let it be said that Clay doesn’t believe that education is important -Higher education is where Clay learned to drink and cry himself to sleep every night.

Clay loves America more than Jolly Ranchers.  He embraces America and Americans as long as they are not different than him.  He believes if all Americans have the same ethnic background and were raised going to church 3 times a week, then America would be a better place.  Clay thinks that owning a gun and not murdering babies in the womb are important parts of being an American and plans on bringing those ideals with him into this race to become GayCo’s Best American.

Clay loves living in this great land and if voted Best American he will give out vouchers to all Americans for one complementary Uncle Herschel’s Country Fried Breakfast from Cracker Barrel.  God bless Clay and God Bless America

On America: It is lovely place – From the lakes of Minnesota to the hills of Tennessee.  Across the plains of Texas, From sea to shining sea.  From Detroit down to Houston, and New York to L.A.

On being an American:  Clay has been to 45 of the 50 United States.  Who else can say that in this race?!?

Back to Campaign Headquarters