Fred Phelps Poised to Become World’s Worst Poltergeist

Kane

TOPEKA, KS — Now that prolific funeral protester Fred Phelps lies dying at Midland Hospice House in Topeka, the Westboro Baptist Church can finally set the wheels in motion to continue their reign of terror into the afterlife. Fred Phelps has been trying to perfect his ghoulish look since the 1986 release of Poltergeist 2: The Other Side.

As America’s quintessential mad man gasps his last dying breaths, he is using them to devise his paranormal plan of attack. “The Earthly realm is limiting. Existing in limbo gives you a much greater reach,” uttered Phelps with as much enthusiasm as he could muster in his weakened condition.  “You can spread hate and intolerance to a much broader crowd, and I’m really excited to see what that looks like.”

“Why will my dad be the worst, most powerful poltergeist the world has ever seen?” reiterated Nathan Phelps, Fred’s estranged son. “One word: Resume. You show me a more twisted job history, and I’ll show you my pet unicorn. Oh sure, there have been mad men throughout time – inciting wars, and committing acts of torture.  But, do you think any of those assholes would dare to protest the funerals of the children who died at Sandy Hook? Not a chance. He’s a very special kind of monster, and he needs a very special platform to perform his craft, and I think the netherworld will really be able to provide that for him.”

Phelps has spent the last few decades insuring that his soul will get stuck in limbo.  He fondly explained, “It was a really a delicate balance of complete unflinching faith in God, matched with inflicting copious amounts of emotional and mental anguish on innocent people. Like a waltz.”

Convinced this balance will render him unfit for heaven or hell; Phelps plans to have his soul wedged smack-dab in the middle of limbo, where he can continue to cause decades of suffering and crippling mental torture on anyone who has ever met a gay person, before ultimately possessing the soul of a young straight white blonde child who will happily lead him into Heaven’s light. “It’s basically fool proof”, gasped Fred before drifting back to sleep.

When reached for comment, God was unresponsive.

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