Gay Marriage Passes in Illinois: Still Illegal to Marry a Goat

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SPRINGFIELD – With the passage of SB10 today in the Illinois House, the question still hangs in the balance, what is to become of the love between man and goat? Spokesman Niko Greenwich from Equal Ma-a-arraige Now laments, “Sure, we’re happy for the gays, but what about the consensual love between a (wo)man and their goat? Also, what’s good for the gays, may not always be good for the gander.” Greenwich is, of course, referring to their sister organization, Quack Power, which focuses primarily on Man/Duck love, but “openly supports all types of relationships laughed at by the Democratic Party – in order garner support for their own cause.” Quack Power founder, who wished to keep his name anonymous until the rights of all “Quackers” are secured, said he’s currently single, but if there are any single ducks out their, he prefers “white feathers, long necks, and great D.S.B., if ya know what I mean.”

“Yes! The Democrats like to laugh at us don’t they? Sometimes I feel like Republicans are the only ones that truly understand that this is a real thing. They’re the ones that consistently bring a voice to the voiceless” expressed Ivy Salazar, who has been with her partner Ted, who she affectionately qualifies as a Donkey American.  She continued, “My partner Ted was raised in America. He eats the grass that grows here and drinks from our mighty streams.” Salazar started the organization Tap That Ass in 2002 and has always felt that the lack of major donors was a result of so much support going to the homosexual community. “Hopefully, we’ll see more green come our way, now that they (the homosexuals) have met their goal. Ted just loves greens.” She giggled to herself and continued, “But seriously, I luv dat ass.” Salazar then began to passionately open-mouth kiss Ted, dramatically releasing to gaze deeply into his widely set apart eyes. Ted pursed his lips and exclaimed “HEE- HAWWH!” Which we safely interpret to mean, “IT’S TIME ILLINOIS!”

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