By Fake Journalist, The GayCo Fake News Gazette
COLUMBUS, S.C. – With 99 percent of precincts reporting, South Carolina looks to be the first state to mandate the teaching of Argentinean Mistressing in all K-12 public schools.
The state-wide proposition, nicknamed the Three to Tango Initiative, was supported by a whopping 84 percent of the South Carolina electorate. The other 16 percent either voted no, or had Cheeto residue smudging their choice.
“This is a win for all the children of South Carolina,” said the proposition’s author, former governor and U.S. representative-elect Mark Sanford. “Now, kids will receive in education that’s perfectly in line with today’s core Christian, conservative values.”
Religious leaders across the state are also celebrating, as they went to the pulpit in favor of Three to Tango, also known as No Child Left Behind In a Sexless Marriage Without Knowing That He Can Fly to Argentina For Some Sweet, Sweet Relief.
“God created Adam and Eve,” said Pastor Nelson Sinclair, a Blythewood resident, in a speech to his congregation last Wednesday. “And then God created Argentina when Adam got bored of Eve. It’s in the Bible.”
Three to Tango is designed to introduce concepts of Argentinean Mistressing in increments. Kindergarteners and First Graders will learn that Argentina exists and its people are attractive. Older students will learn how to buy airfare to Buenos Aires with only 48 hours notice. High school-age kids will then learn how to pray to Jesus for forgiveness immediately following sexual activity with an Argentinean mistress.
Schools across South Carolina are already putting up tablets engraved with the 10 Excuses To Give Your Wife, right next to the 10 Commandments.
“Literally the most important thing we need to teach our youth is that they can do anything, anything at all, as long as they say Jesus forgives them after they do it,” said Sanford. “Read any part of the Bible. It’s just men doing shitty thing after shitty thing and saying God told them to do it.”
Opponents, however, say that mandating the teaching of extramarital affairs in schools sends the wrong signal to our youth.
“We’re all so, so fucked,” said Nancy Berkley, a superintendent for district 7 schools in Myrtle Beach. “God, we are fucked. And not in the good, Argentinean way.”
Three to Tango is the first in a wider swath of education initiatives proposed by South Carolina’s Republican establishment, including ones that mandates teaching spinning guns on fingers (Proposition Bang Bang Bang!), one that would introduce gay bashing in all physical education classes (The Smear the Queer Act), and an abstinence-only-unless-the-guy-looks-like-Rush-Limbaugh-in-which-case-you’re-obligated-because-you’re-ugly-and-he-will-make-you-feel-pretty sex education program for girls (Proposition God Wants You To Be A Hooters Waitress).
We see them at the bar, the softball fields, the festivals. That group of cool lesbians on the prowl. Like any pack animal there is a natural pecking order. The suave alpha leader, the young pups, the loser at the bottom. Which one are you? Take this quiz to find out. And come see GayCo’s She-wolves in action at “Breast in Show”. Sunday nights at 7:30pm at pH Theater running until May 26!!
Got your result of the quiz? See who you are below!!
Amy is the alpha. She’s the one in charge and nobody messes with her. When the pack is on the hunt for ladies she always gets first choice. If you can’t be an Amy, you at least want to be the one she picks. The crowd ain’t the only thing that will part when she walks in the room. (your legs. we are talking about your legs)
Beatrice, the second in charge, has a brain in her head. She could lead the pack but is just buying her time. This lady may look sweet but she always has a plan. Not as aggressive as Amy but she can get rough if you know what we mean. Oh wait, rough is a pun. Like ruff. Hilarious. And she can kayak.
Gigi doesn’t like conflict. She just wants to hang out and stay cool. The type of girl that will want to go to Taco Bell at 3am in the morning. Or at noon. Especially at 4:20. You may find her in dreds or with no hair at all. She don’t care.
DEE-DEE AND ELAINE
The youngest of the pack and they usually come in pairs. They are always messing around with something or someone. There is no such thing as a walk of shame for these girls. They have alot of energy for sports and are always on the the hunt for the most dangerous game: lesbians. Some of them can be mean.
Meg is the runt of the pack. The only girl she’s getting is the one the others don’t want. She’s often asked to come along only to be the designated driver. Although most of the pack make fun of her they will all protect her if threatened by another pack. Better to be Meg than not in a pack at all.
By Gwyneth Paltrow* (reposted from her lifestyle site GOOP.com)
It’s one of those days: You’re sunning peacefully on your yacht in Monte Carlo and sipping an organic carrot juice spritzer as part of a seven-day juice fast to get ready for Paris Fashion Week when suddenly the phone rings and you’re cast in a blockbuster superhero franchise and you’re suddenly at the mercy of shooting schedules and craft services. Don’t you hate when that happens? I do too! Holla to the moms out there!
How do you balance your organic, holistic lifestyle with on-location shoots and unreliable catering? How do you keep your beauty regimen up despite your character’s reddish bangs?
Next time you land a role as a sexy, smart female assistant to a quippy superhero in an all-star comic book blockbuster adaptation, remember these 5 easy tips to keeping that tummy trim and your spirit fed!
Bring Your Own Kimchi
It’s the age-old dilemma: The spiced Korean vegetable selection on your film’s craft services spread is obviously lacking, but you don’t want to make a fuss and be labeled as difficult and fired and replaced by Emma Stone. Here’s a timeless solution: Have your assistant store sixteen to twenty-four individual, hand-blown Italian glass containers filled with kimchi in your self-refrigerated Dolce & Gabana seal skin picnic basket. Then, once on set, simply ask for a large artisan refrigerator in your trailer, chill and eat during breaks or whenever you have a craving!
Tell The Director Your Bikram Yoga Guru is Your Cousin
I wouldn’t dare step on set without Rishki, my Bikram Yoga guru. I can’t afford an extra tummy fat when I’m filming my reaction shots to Robert Downey Jr.’s sort-of-humorous, long-winded monologues about new Iron Man suit technology. However, some directors don’t like shirtless Indian men with crystals glued to their chest hanging around set (apparently boom mikes can pick up their finger chimes), so simply tell the director Rishki is your cousin Lloyd and he’s working on a paper for a college class. If the director doesn’t believe you, simply burst into tears and run away to your trailer and slam the door three or four times. Then, after five minutes, return and apologize to everyone and tell the director you are in love with his vision. Remember to have your assistant offer the gaffers some of your homemade chard-and-tarragon ceviche! You don’t want to be replaced by Emma Stone.
No Voss Water Colonics On Stunt Day!
I know, I know. It’s hard for me to go even a day without four or five lavender-infused Voss Water colonics, too. But as all us ladies know, if you thanklessly star in enough male-dominated installations of a blockbuster superhero movie franchise, your helpless character might eventually get to do cool stuff! This means you’ll have to do stunts, like duck gunfire or hold tightly to Robert Downey Jr. while dangling in front of a green screen. Save your colonics for days where you won’t be upside down or running. Trust me! I learned the hard way. They might as well have called my movie Sliding Doors, Sliding Drawers! Holla! Oh, and when you DO have a colonic, try adding a pinch of truffle oil to the water. It’ll take years off of your colon!
Sobbing About Your Career = Great Ab Workout!
Sure, you may be starring in what’s sure to be the summer’s biggest hit. And you’ve may have just been named People Magazine’s Most Beautiful Woman in the World. But a true actress knows she has to sob about the trajectory of her career at least twice while on set, mostly because it’s a fantastic way to tone up those abs! First, sit in the director’s chair. Next, as your assistant tries to feed you your kimchi, try sobbing for five seconds with your chest in your lap. Then, slowly sit straight up to swat away co-stars’ hands as they try to console you. Repeat 6-8 times. For your obliques, try sobbing in the opposite direction of the director, who is trying to get you to get out of his chair. Hold for sixty seconds and then turn and face your director and scream about how worthless you feel, while holding that side for sixty seconds as well. Repeat 6-8 times.
Steal All Your Character’s Jewelry
Just snatch that shit up on the last day. All of it. Get Rishki or whatever the fuck his name is to pull the Fiat around and keep it running and just BAM! Put it all in your empty kimchi containers and hide in your artisan picnic basket and say your goodbyes then run and jump in the back seat and yell “GO GO GO!” Then wear all that jewelry later and tell Melissa Rivers on the red carpet it’s $10,000 of Tiffany/Buccellati/Harry Winston, because she don’t fuckin’ know. Fuck her. Don’t be a little bitch, just steal it. It’s the last day of shooting. What are they going to do? Replace you with Emma Stone?
Holla to the moms out there!
*Not actually written by Gwyneth Paltrow, who we hear is delightful
FT. LAUDERDALE–Inspired by the recent coming out of NBA center Jason Collins, the first for a still-active male professional athlete, Ft. Lauderdale drag queen Anna Histamine has come out as the first openly boring drag queen in American history.
“I’ve been living a lie and wanted to be true to myself,” said “And, despite my career as a wild, over-the-top Bingo night hostess and Melissa Manchester impersonator, I’m actually a Boring American.”
The news sent shockwaves through the hyper-exciting, creative and extremely fabulous world of drag, one which some critics have been unsure is ready for a boring performer. Ready or not, Histamine is no longer hiding.
“Yes, I’m a fabulous draq queen. That hasn’t changed. But I also go to bed by nine o’clock. I DVR Mike & Molly. I love getting Au Bon Pain to go. And I’m still reading The Corrections after starting it two years ago. I’m dull as hell, and proud to admit it.”
Histamine, who came out on her Pinterest wall between an Asian salad recipe and a picture of a fern, has drawn cheers from her fellow drag queens as well as other members of the LGBAS (Ladies and Gentlemen Who are Boring as Shit) community.
“We’re so proud of Anna for raising awareness for our people,” said notable LGBAS activist and Twilight star Kristen Stewart, in a joint statement with Matchbox 20 frontman Rob Thomas. “Together, we can make a difference and boring people can have a seat at the table.”
“We knew this day would come,” said fellow Ft. Lauderdale drag queen Exxotica Xxtreme, a Fun-American but proud supporter of Boring rights. “At some point, draq queens would become so ubiquitous that, statistically, one of us would have to be slightly uninteresting. I’m so proud of Anna for the first to openly embrace the fact she’s a tediously unremarkable human being.”
Histamine will begin a tour of in south Florida in May, after she gets a cavity filled and buys a new pee pad for her cocker spaniel Barky.
“I’m just ready to be me,” said Histamine. “Honda Accord and all.”
“By the way, have you ever seen that Harrison Ford movie, Extraordinary Measures? It’s pretty good,” added Histamine while playing Bejeweled on her T-Mobile flip phone.
RALEIGH, N.C. – After months of urging his friends and family to exercise their right to vote and support democracy, posting political articles to his Facebook and following poll numbers while at work, Tom Hilderbrook, 36, proudly cast his vote for president of the United States, a few Congressional races he had mild familiarity, six local officials he’d maybe heard of once, and 14 judges he’s never, ever heard of before in his life.
“I just checked all the judges off that belonged to my political party,” said Hilderbrook. “It felt really good.”
He then took an Instragram photo of his ballot receipt and shared it via various social networking sites as a testament to the power of democracy.
“The choice for president was crystal clear,” Hilderbrook added. “And I knew a little bit about that lady running for senate with weird hair, so I voted for her. And for the rest, it was Democrat all the way.”
The one exception was Judge Meredith Coonswallow of the 64th Ward, a Republican, whom Hilderbrook voted for because he thought her last name was hilarious.
“I mean, I can’t not vote for someone named Coonswallow,” said Hilderbrook.
Hilderbrook plans to spend the rest of the day reminding friends that he voted and shaming those who don’t, and making fun of those who he feels are uninformed.
“You have to vote,” said Hilderbrook. “It’s practically a matter of life and death.”
In other news, a new study finds that local judges and politicians have 17,000% more impact on your actual life than any mythologized leader who might live in a
house on the border of Maryland and Virginia.