Kelly Preston Crying In Breakfast Nook Alone Again

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HOLLYWOOD, CA–Kelly Preston, the longtime wife of heterosexual actor John Travolta, cried alone in her breakfast nook again on Wednesday morning, sources say. This marked the sixth time this week Preston reportedly was seen sobbing in her quaint, sunny kitchen offshoot.

“Ms. Preston loves to cry alone in her breakfast nook,” says Preston’s housekeeper Lupe Gonzalez. “All her days are the same. Wake up, cry in breakfast nook. Have breakfast, cry in breakfast nook. Read some weird Dianetics book while whispering to herself that it’s not her fault, cry in breakfast nook.”

The Jerry McGuire star also reportedly checked her phone for calls from her agent, but received none.

“I keep telling her, someday her career will come first,” says Gonzalez. “And then I ask if she wants more coffee, but she just stares off into space. Yesterday she asked me to describe the feeling of my husband’s hands on my breasts. I told her they were calloused and strong, and she just burst into tears all over again.”

Preston’s husband John Travolta could not be located for comment, but Gonzalez assumes he was either filming a movie, getting his hairpiece adjusted, or having sushi lunch with Scientology leader David Miscavige.

“And yes, all of those are euphemisms for having gay sex in a bathhouse,” added Gonzalez.

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RuPaul DragRace Workstation Fired after Coming Out as Transphobic

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LOS ANGELES –  In a recent interview with Advocate Magazine, Workstation #4 admitted to Sunnivie Brydum that she is “done with all these trannies!”

The veteran (3 seasons) table (pictured above) spoke to The Advocate about all of Season 7’s trials and tribulations and then went into a 20 minute long rant about how abusive all of the contestants had been to her.

“…You can’t believe how disrespectful all of these trannies are to me!  They poke, prod, hammer, bang, wax, and  strip all over me.  What they don’t understand is I have been here far longer than them and they need to show some DAMN respect.  And, when the cutting started!  Oh don’t getting me started…  All I said was – Pull it together LADIES!”

After the Workstation’s diatribe, Advocate reporter, Brydum, pointed out that they were not transsexual, but merely men dressing as women – to which Workstation #4 simply replied, “Oh. Do you mind if we start this interview over?”

Logo TV and the show’s executive producer, RuPaul Charles, have released a statement condemning the table’s statements and have since let the workstation go, saying that “anyone with such a limited view on the world is just a waste of good wood. Sashay Away”

Rep. Aaron Schock Gets “Muriel Donnelly” on What Best Exotic Marigold Hotel Character Are You? Quiz

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WASHINGTON D.C.–Everyone’s favorite heterosexual Republican member of Congress and sassy white belt wearer, Illinois’ own Aaron Schock, was surprised on Tuesday to get “Muriel Donnelly” on the What Best Exotic Marigold Hotel Character Are You? quiz that he took on queerty.com.

“I really thought I was more of an Evelyn Greenslade,” said Schock, referring to Dame Judi Dench’s elegant widow character. “You know, confident, beautiful and active. But, I guess I can see where I’m totally a Muriel. Salty, sharp, always throwing delicious barbs. I love Maggie Smith so much, so I don’t mind! I’ll take it!”

Schock reportedly loves Maggie Smith so much, he had his entire Congressional office decorated like her hit show Downton Abbey.

More surprise from the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel quiz came when Schock’s fully salaried personal photographer who follows him around everywhere, Jonathon Link, took the test and got “Madge Hardcastle,” the adventure-seeking divorcee played by Celia Imrie.

“Jonathon totally thinks he’s Jean Ainslie, but that’s just because he loves Penelope Wilton so much,” said Schock. “He’s really just like Madge. Like, this one time when we were shopping at West Elm before going to a Big Freedia concert, he saw a gorgeous console table and was like ‘how charming!’ I was like, ‘Gurl, you are SUCH a Madge!’ And he was like ‘Ew, vadge?’ I was like ‘Ew, no! MADGE.’ Then we had a pillow fight and laughed and laughed.”

“Also, Jonathon puts his erect penis into my butt a lot,” added Schock. “His cock is SUCH a Mrs. Kapoor.”

 

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New Fall Comedy from GayCo!

042GayCo proudly presents 50 States of GAY!

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Let Freedom (Cock)Ring!

CHICAGO—Fifty states. Five gays. So much exploring to do, so little Gun Oil.

Now that gay marriage is legal in all 50 states, Chicago’s premiere LGBTQ sketch company GayCo Productions unleashes its most patriotic sketch variety revue in its 19-year history.

50 STATES OF GAY is a completely unique sketch-variety hybrid experience. Starting with Massachusetts (where the original Tea wasspil038led), each week the audience will select a different state from a hat, and that state will become the theme for the next show. The talented cast will then have exactly one week to create original content based on that state.

This includes scenes, songs, puppetry, stand up, interpretive dance, magic, probably a lesbian break-up scene or two, interpretive dance and laminate hardwood flooring.

Will we see a scene about lesbian ranchers in Wyoming? Passive colonial bottoms in Delaware? A bunch of jokes about how Michigan’s upper peninsula looks like a gnarled penis getting a handjob from the lower peninsula? The possibilities are as infinite as America’s bounty.

50 STATES OF GAY previews Saturday, September 12th at 7:30pm at Under the Gun Theater (956 W Newport Ave) and opens Saturday Sept. 19th at 7:30pm. It runs Saturdays through Oct. 31st. Tickets are $15 ($10 for students) and can be purchased by calling (773) 270-3440.

50 STATES OF GAY stars Kathy Betts, Clay Goodpasture, Robin Trevino, Lanny Fox and Jessica Belless.  Understudy – Allison Reese.

9/12 – Massachusetts

9/19 – Georgia

9/26 – Indiana

10/3 – Louisiana 

10/10 – Alabama

10/17 – Pennsylvania

10/24 – Michigan

10/31 –  Hawaii

NEXT UP – 1/8/2016 –  Various States and Best-of sketches in Arlington Heights at the Metropolis!  Details coming soon!

 

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