Fred Phelps Poised to Become World’s Worst Poltergeist

Kane

TOPEKA, KS — Now that prolific funeral protester Fred Phelps lies dying at Midland Hospice House in Topeka, the Westboro Baptist Church can finally set the wheels in motion to continue their reign of terror into the afterlife. Fred Phelps has been trying to perfect his ghoulish look since the 1986 release of Poltergeist 2: The Other Side.

As America’s quintessential mad man gasps his last dying breaths, he is using them to devise his paranormal plan of attack. “The Earthly realm is limiting. Existing in limbo gives you a much greater reach,” uttered Phelps with as much enthusiasm as he could muster in his weakened condition.  “You can spread hate and intolerance to a much broader crowd, and I’m really excited to see what that looks like.”

“Why will my dad be the worst, most powerful poltergeist the world has ever seen?” reiterated Nathan Phelps, Fred’s estranged son. “One word: Resume. You show me a more twisted job history, and I’ll show you my pet unicorn. Oh sure, there have been mad men throughout time – inciting wars, and committing acts of torture.  But, do you think any of those assholes would dare to protest the funerals of the children who died at Sandy Hook? Not a chance. He’s a very special kind of monster, and he needs a very special platform to perform his craft, and I think the netherworld will really be able to provide that for him.”

Phelps has spent the last few decades insuring that his soul will get stuck in limbo.  He fondly explained, “It was a really a delicate balance of complete unflinching faith in God, matched with inflicting copious amounts of emotional and mental anguish on innocent people. Like a waltz.”

Convinced this balance will render him unfit for heaven or hell; Phelps plans to have his soul wedged smack-dab in the middle of limbo, where he can continue to cause decades of suffering and crippling mental torture on anyone who has ever met a gay person, before ultimately possessing the soul of a young straight white blonde child who will happily lead him into Heaven’s light. “It’s basically fool proof”, gasped Fred before drifting back to sleep.

When reached for comment, God was unresponsive.

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Top 5 Ways To Get Lucky in March

It’s St. Patrick’s Day and everybody is either wearing green, drinking a Guinness, eating corned beef & cabbage, or doing all three! The question is – on the so-called “luckiest day of the year”, how can you ensure that YOU get lucky?  While you hunt down some leprechauns and four leaf clovers, GayCo provides some tips to help you get a lil’ sumpin’ sumpin’.

Lesbians:

1. Go to a Meet-Up for a game night, cooking class, art museum, book discussion…any topic really.  These ladies WANT. TO. ”MEET”. UP.

2. Go to one of those black/white/clear bra parties and see the goods before buying the merchandise.

3. Go on a lesbian cruise.  I mean, how romantic is that?

4. Take out the special friends from your nightstand drawer.  The title of this list didn’t say anything about another person being mandatory.

5. Go to a GayCo show!  (There is one on 3/19 – the Hump Night Pre-Game Show.)  And if you don’t meet a cute single lady, you’ll feel lucky about seeing a great show!

 

lucky in love green back

  lucky5 blank box

Gay Men:  

1. Grindr

2. Scruff

3. Steamworks

4. Jackhammer

5. Breathe

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Ides of March Quiz

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QUIZ:  Which Hottie Julius Caesar Assassin Are You?

It’s been said, “Beware the Ides of March.” But that doesn’t apply to YOU! You’re not a victim, you’re a perpetrator! And while people should fear you (especially that Caesar guy), they also can’t stop checking you out.

Because YOU. ARE. SO. HOT.  Who doesn’t like a bad boy?

The question is – which hot(tie)-headed Julius Caesar killing Senator are you?

UHAUL PORN

FOR THE LADIES…

[wpaudio url=”http://www.gayco.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/70_s_Debbie_Does_Dallas_-_Porn_theme_.mp3″ text=”UHAULIN'” autoplay=”1″]

Uhaul #1

 

 

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Uhaul #9

Uhaul #2

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10 Ways to Use Poppers at Work

CAUTION

Gay guys love poppers

This why you should keep an extra bottle at work…

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1. Key Board Sanitizer

sanitizer

Everyone in the office is sick, No Clorox wipes to be found, pull your poppers
out and pour on a paper towel,
wipe down your mouse and
keyboard. Voilà!

 

 

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2. Air Deodorizer

Let’s face it, your co-workers are stanky! Well… open up a bottle of poppers, it’s guaranteed to over power their BO, I mean have you ever spilled that stuff on your bed?!?

 

 

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3. A Quick Getaway

Constantly looking for a way to getaway while sitting at your desk?

Get upset by everyone else’s ‘look at me, I’m at the beach and you’re fucking stuck at your desk during Polar Vortex #12′ pictures?

Well take a stiff of poppers and you won’t know/won’t care where you’re at for the next 30 secs of your life.

 

 

 

    4. Gum Out of the Carpet                      

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 You laughed really hard at the cute guy that sits across from you, gum flew out of your mouth, now it’s a black stain on the carpet. Pour poppers on it, it’ll come right out! #MarthaStewart

 

Poison

 

 

5. Flavor your Boss’ Yogurt

Not recommended, but if the Activia is just sitting there…

 

 

 

6. ‘Out’ Your Closeted Co-worker

coworker

Set poppers out on your desk.  When co-workers ask what they are, tell them “a new type of 5 hour energy.” If they ask WHY DO YOU HAVE POPPERS ON YOUR DESK?!?  Bust them! And then ask them on a date.

 

 

 

 

7. Nail Polish Remover

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Your Co-worker’s cracked, peeling nail polish is driving you crazy as she wrap-a-tap-taps her nails on her desk – Poppers+Kleenex will take that shit right off.

 

 

 

 

 

 

8. Cleaning the Office VHS Machine

VHS

I don’t know. No one owns a VHS but that’s what Beatnix makes me call them when purchasing so they must be good at cleaning VHS machines.  Maybe your job still has one that needs cleaning…?

 

 

 

 9. Burn the Place Down

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Who hasn’t thought about doing this?!? A gas can is too bulky to sneak in.  Poppers are portable and highly flammable.

 

 

 

 

10. Having Sex in the Washroom

Bathroom

It’s bathroom sex.  It needs to be quick.  Poppers help.

 

 If you would like to purchase fresh poppers – CLICK HERE

 

Written by ensemble member @claygoodpasture

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