Top 5 Things I Gave Up For Lent

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Like everyone else in the entire world, I grew up Catholic.  And like everyone else in the world I used to get an ash cross temporarily tattooed to my forehead.  Its Ash Wednesday today!  The beginning of Lent!  For those people who don’t know, Lent is the season before Easter. Or, more importantly, the Filet’O’Fish Season.   It used to be that Catholics would try to fast for 40 days (46 days really) to symbolize the sacrifice that Jesus made for us.

Jesus’ life = food

Then that was too hard so they just stopped eating on Fridays.

Jesus’s life = hungry Fridays

Then THAT got too hard so they just gave up meat on Fridays.  The cows, goats, chickens and turkeys all gave a sigh of relief.  But not the fishes!!  They aren’t meat.  They are….well….I don’t what they are but the pope says it ain’t meat so it ain’t meat.  Stop questioning it.  That’s very unCatholic of you.

Jesus’s life = meat

But the most exciting part of Lent is everyone gives up something for the 40 days (46 days really) of Lent.  This was always a hard choice for me.  40 days (46 days really) is a long time.  And I wanted it to count.  Jesus gave up his life for me.  I had to find something that would parallel.

5) Jesus’ Life = Chocolate

No one had ever thought of giving up chocolate for Lent before I did it in 4th grade.  I started it.  Just ask anyone.  Of course on Easter Sunday I gorged myself with chocolate.  More chocolate than I would have eaten the entire 40 days (46 days really).

4) Jesus’ Life = Being mean to people

This was probably the closest I came to what Jesus sacrificed himself for.  But, virtually impossible when you’re in 6th grade and every day is an episode of All My Children.

3)  Jesus’ Life = Lying

I totally really didn’t lie for 40 days (46 days really).  For real.

2)  Jesus’ Life = Not Making a Funny Face While Dancing

This was the toughest thing for me to give up.  Look in the mirror next time you dance.  You make a face, or your hands are doing something weird.  Its impossible.  Give it a try this Lent.  Its a tough one.

1)  Jesus’ Life = Giving Up Things for Lent

The most successful thing I gave up for Lent was giving up things for Lent.  Yes, to the dismay of all the saints and popes, I know longer practice this ritual anymore.  But I did decide one Lental season that I would give up giving up things for Lent.  And I prevailed.  Just like Jesus did.

Disclaimer:  I’m not a Historian or a Theologian.  I am a product of Catholic School.  If you find a discrepancy with my history lesson, take it up with the Catholic school system.  And my parents.

Kelly Beeman

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Ellen Sentenced to Testosterone, 20-hour Felicity Huffman Playdate After ‘Transphobic’ Oscar Joke

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LOS ANGELES COUNTY – Oscar host Ellen Degeneres called Liza Minnelli “sir” during Sunday’s broadcast and created a firestorm of controversy among trans activists. In a shocking turn of events, 2nd Superior Court Judge Lee Smalley Edmon handed down a sentence of three months of testosterone injections and mandatory face-to- face time with Felicity Huffman (star of Transamerica) on Tuesday evening. While no case was presented to the judge on the matter, he was so appalled after reading about DeGeneres’ transphobic joke on E! News, that he had to issue swift justice. A source close to the matter also claims Degeneres was also sentenced to binge-watch the entire first season of Orange is the New Black.

 

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5 Reasons to Donate to GayCo’s Fives of March

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You! Yes you! You’re a gal on the go, busy reading Facebook links about Russian hijinks and the new cast of Dancing With the Stars (hayyy DJ Tanner!) But where does much of this content that distracts you from your job come from? It comes from writers. And comedians. And gay people.

GayCo is an ensemble of talented LGBTQ and LGBTQ-friendly comedians and writers. We hit the perfect trifecta of Facebook feed content creators, therefore, GayCo is possibly the most important organization in the world.

Here are five great reasons to give to our March fundraiser The Fives of March!

 

1. We’re Sexy
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Oooh, damn gurl! Look at those hotties! Is that the set of Britney Spears’ video for “Gimme More 2: I Am Still in Need of Some”? NO! It’s your friendly neighborhood GayCo, performing like red-hot sexpots, because of sexiness. Don’t get to close to your computer screen, or you gonna get BURNTTT.

 

2. We Were Once Directed By Tina Fey’s Husband Tina-Fey-SAG-Awards-Earrings

Rumor has it she may have brought snacks to a GayCo rehearsal once or twice, back in the mid-90s when GayCo was still a frisky club twink. So, basically, one or more of us may have eaten food purchased or baked by Liz Lemon herself, once or twice, about twenty years ago. FAMOUS PEOPLE LOVE US BEFORE THEY ARE FAMOUS!

 

3. We’re 78% Vodka

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86% on weekends. And it’s a known fact that vodka is the primary fuel needed to create great gay comedy, so we are essentially bursting with excellence/Absolut Berry Acai.

 

4.  We’re Non-Profit!

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We gave up profits and carbs a long time ago because of a really great article we read on FitnessMoms.com. It’s been great! We have SO much energy/moments of uncontrolled sobbing now! Seriously, by being a non-profit, we can put our primary focus on creating awesome comedy for the masses. But, we can’t do it without generous (and completely TAX DEDUCTIBLE!) donations from our supporters. We’d go back and ask our message boards at FinessMoms.com, but we’re banned because we admitted we don’t understand yoga pants.

 

5. It’ll Make You Feel Great!

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Wheeee!! See how much fun that was? You helped a great organization continue to create rockstar LGBTQ comedy and enrich the sketch comedy world with its unique-like-Pharrell-Williams’-mounty-hat, challenging point of view.

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Jan Brewer’s Classic “Will she/Won’t she” Routine Getting America All Horny

Jan Brewer

Will Jan Brewer drag out her decision on a bill that would time warp the state of Arizona backwards to an era when America segregated its drinking fountains, just to keep her name in the headlines a few more days?  Or won’t she?  She will.

It’s pretty much a no brainer.  It would be unfair for Brewer to deny press and photogs the untamed carnal pleasure taking her picture and calling her for interviews, by “cumming” to a decision too quickly.  “I have to look at what it says and what the law says and take that information and do the right thing,” she said, biting her pinky, while her make-up artist powered her face and checked her teeth for stray food particles.  While cameras and lights sought the perfect angle, Brewer took one last glance at an index card, and manufactured hand gestures while seductively pouting her lips, mouthing the words, “Certainly I am pro-business, and that is what’s turning our economy around, so I appreciate their input, as I appreciate the other side.” Then she rehearsed wagging her finger at the camera, attempting to remind people about the time she was photographed scolding the President of the United States, hoping it would become her “thing”.

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Before cameras even began rolling, it was reported that CNN camera man, Gavin Johanson, and Fox News sound technician, Jorge Garcia both confirmed that they already “totally got wood.”

Arizona Realizes it has Become The ‘New Boob’ of America

AZboobFLAGSTAFF, AZ – In a startling realization on Tuesday, Arizona became aware that it is the new boob of America.  Many Americans thought that Missouri would never be able to be unseated as America’s #1 Boob after Representative Todd Akin said women’s bodies can somehow block an unwanted pregnancy in instances of “legitimate rape,” but in an ABC Poll, Arizona has pulled ahead by a significant amount. With the national media baring down on the Grand Canyon State it seems that none of its politicians gave any thought to the repercussions of legislating for legislation sake.  State Senator, Chester Crandell, openly admits to not personally knowing any gays but said, “That barista kid at the Starbucks is too animated, it makes me uncomfortable.  Just give me my damn Upside-down Carmel Macchiato with sugar-free vanilla”

Andrew Stevens, a gay volunteer for HRC and an avid traveler/outdoor enthusiast, had a trip planned to visit the Grand Canyon this summer.  He has since canceled his trip to the bigoted state and he laments, “I was really looking forward to the trip.  I have always wanted to see that vast, gaping hole of wonder called the Grand Canyon.  Gays love big holes.  This legislation discrimination just doesn’t make sense.”

 

 

 

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