Sochi Hotel Guests Long for Luxury of Gulags

fancy prisonSOCHI, RUSSIA-While reporters from across the world have been tweeting about their distressed hotels with various states of dis-repair and oddities, the local prison is nothing short of luxury.  The lobby of the Otkryti Dvor prison is not under construction and is actually opulently well built, all the while being functionally secure.
It is reported that the prisoner accommodations are quite nice too.  “Cells are provided with a complete set of solid platinum fixtures, cozy mink sheets, and marble zen fountains,” says Dimetri Volovoyavigch a housekeeper employed by the prison.  “Mind you, these extravagant prison suites are not used for the flagitious, like burglars, and murders, and terrorists,” said Warden Yevgeny Pomerantenko.  This penitentiary is primarily reserved for the large amount of offenders anticipated to break the gay-propaganda law during the Winter Olympics.
Journalists were unable to see the prison suites for the safety of the prisoners, staff, and media, but accommodations were described to include door frames made of an edge-grain walnut with a medium Roman ogee treatment and specially designed walls made from meteoric stones with shavings of 65 million year old original dinosaur bone.”
No tweets or photos exist of these palaces since electronic devices are forbidden past the lobby.  “You will just have to trust us,” said guard Igor Kadyrosev.  Another guard Sergei Vitishkosev added, “There is no discrimination against homosexuals here, these people live like kings.  It is like nothing they could afford with their disposable incomes.”
(Update:  Prisoners convicted of crimes such as burglary, murder, and terrorism are staying at the same incomplete hotels as the Olympic reporters.  Sleep tight!)
By Ensemble Member Kathy Betts

Take the Quiz — Which Evil Russian Dictator Will Throw YOU in Jail for Being a Homo?

Dictator2What Evil Russian Dictator are YOU most likely to be jailed by?











Does Sochi’s Biathlon Course Really Go Both Ways?


SOCHI, RUSSIA–Controversy has been no stranger to the Sochi Olympics, but fans of biathlon were shocked today by rumors that the 2.5 kilometer track is a ski-only course.The “Laura” Biathlon Complex is home to the sport, which includes cross-country skiing and rifle shooting, but its history with the event is a mixed bag. Norwegian athlete Ole Einar Bjoerndalen, who won the gold medal in the sprint competition, told reporters, “I was a little surprised to see her open to shooting. As far as I knew, Laura only had a history with skiing.”Russian officials claim that the grueling course has always been interested in rifle shooting.

“While it may be true that this complex has traditionally been home to cross-country skiers, Laura has always had a thing for rifle shooting, especially after a few drinks,” said groundskeeper Maxim Klurov. In fact, he insists, the course considered opening exclusively as a shooting range last winter after a semester abroad.

Attempts to contact the demanding mix of terrain and precision have been blocked by the International Olympic Committee, who released a statement saying only that the course “will play no favorites”. For some, however, the damage is already done. German athlete Simon Schempp addressed reporters in tears, sighing, “I remember when it was skis only… I felt so at home in her curves.”

The course remains open today for practice, though conditions are not favorable for skiing. “Yeah, it’s a bit sloppy now,” said Slovakia’s Anastasiya Kuzmina, who spent five hours on the course last night practicing her aim. She insists she’ll succeed in today’s competition. “After last night’s target practice, I think we’ll see that Laura is quite receptive to a confident trigger finger,” she added with a grin.

(Written by uber-fabulous GayCo Artistic Associate Chris Kervick)

VIDEO: Tito Finds his Daddy



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Facebook Turns 10 – Mom Realizes Son’s Not Using It Anymore, Joins Scruff

Kevins Mom

SCHAUMBURG, IL – Schaumburg Native, Carol Schultz, recently realized that she was no longer seeing her son online during peak hours of ‘facebooking’ time. This  concerned the suburban mom because she was no longer able to monitor her son’s activities.  This prompted Carol to research other ways to connect with her son.

Late Sunday evening, Schultz snuck into her son’s second story bedroom and stole his smart phone.  She discovered a new app open that had many faces showing but was not called facebook.  Ms. Schultz then downloaded the Scruff App and created a profile in order to connect with her son.  She reports that she has sent him many messages but her son has yet to respond.  When reached for comment, her son Kevin said, “I hope she doesn’t find out about snapchat!”

chris kervick

 Contributed by Artistic Associate Chris Kervick


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