Facebook Turns 10 – Mom Realizes Son’s Not Using It Anymore, Joins Scruff

Kevins Mom

SCHAUMBURG, IL – Schaumburg Native, Carol Schultz, recently realized that she was no longer seeing her son online during peak hours of ‘facebooking’ time. This  concerned the suburban mom because she was no longer able to monitor her son’s activities.  This prompted Carol to research other ways to connect with her son.

Late Sunday evening, Schultz snuck into her son’s second story bedroom and stole his smart phone.  She discovered a new app open that had many faces showing but was not called facebook.  Ms. Schultz then downloaded the Scruff App and created a profile in order to connect with her son.  She reports that she has sent him many messages but her son has yet to respond.  When reached for comment, her son Kevin said, “I hope she doesn’t find out about snapchat!”

chris kervick

 Contributed by Artistic Associate Chris Kervick

Janet Huckabee “Stands by her Man”

HuckabeeHOPE, AR – Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee is not sleeping on the couch tonight – and it is not because his wife wasn’t mortified by his statements to the Republican National Committee at their annual luncheon on Thursday. At the Washington luncheon, Gov. Huckabee alluded to the fact that Democrats were trying to win over female voters by promising them birth control and telling them they cannot manage “their libido or their reproductive system without the help of the government.”

In a dutiful show of support, Janet Huckabee has volunteered to show the women of America that it is, indeed, possible to control their libido without government assistance. “All you have to do is spend 15 minutes or so with your husband,” the former Arkansas first lady told the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, “at least, that is what I do.”

Mrs. Huckabee insists, “It’s not my libido that’s the problem.  The problem is my husband’s mouth.  Every time he opens it, any desire I had for him evaporates.”  This is why, Mrs. Huckabee claims, she is able to support her husband’s statements.  “It is my duty as a wife to support my husband. If I share my story with American women, perhaps they can learn new ways to control their libido without relying on the Federal government.”  She claims her method is fool-proof.  She tries to spend at least 15 minutes per day in the presence of her husband.  “Sometimes, it doesn’t even take that long.” reports Mrs. Huckabee, “you know?  Sometimes all I have to do is look at him and I know that the only emotion I’ll feel that day is rage.”

Mrs. Huckabee insists that she has had her libido “in check” since 1992.  That same year, Gov. Huckabee suffered a devastating loss in his bid to unseat incumbent Dale Bumpers from his long held Senate Seat.  That is when, according to the former Arkansas First Lady, “he lost all of his powers.”  When asked to clarify, Mrs. Huckabee confirmed that this was both in and out of the bedroom – “He was impotent – personally, professionally.  It was pathetic.”

Mrs. Huckabee kept her libido under control up until the Monica Lewinsky scandal hit the Clinton White House like a bomb.  “Something in Mike changed over those months,” says Janet, “he was re-born and invigorated by the scandal.”  Ms. Huckabee reported many changes in Mr. Huckabee over that time.  He re-created his image, which eventually led to a successful run for governor in 1996.  One notable change in Gov. Huckabee was his alter-ego, Uncle Sugar.  “That’s what he made me call him… in private,” Ms. Huckabee told the reporter, “it made him feel more powerful.  Like he could control all women, like the president [Bill Clinton].”  “So, for a while there, I guess I didn’t have my libido in check, but that all changed” she said, disappointedly, “I mean, he is who he is.”

Still, Janet Huckabee stands by her husband.  In light of his statements yesterday, Mrs. Huckabee reports that she will stand by him “until I can’t stand it anymore.”  Mike Huckabee could not immediately be reached for comment, but the young woman who answered his phone reported that he was on hold with Walgreens Pharmacy trying to refill his Viagra prescription.  It seems there was a problem with his insurance.

 

 

-Contributed by Artistic Associate Seth McCormick

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Internet Shocked to Learn Nelly Furtado Released New Album a Year and a Half Ago

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HOLLYWOOD – The Internet is abuzz with shocking news today: that beloved, platinum-selling pop artist Nelly Furtado released a full album of all-new material over a year and a half ago and somehow no one noticed.

The album, The Spirit Indestructible, which included 12 new songs, four strongly produced singles and five high-quality videos, sold a mystifyingly low 6,000 copies in its first week despite wide promotion and months of lead-up time between its lead-off single’s release and the album’s release.

“We screamed from the rafters that she had a new album out,” said Nelly Furtado fan club president Edna Furtado. “We tweeted, we Facebooked, we sent mailers with free samples of the jams I make from the elderberries in my back yard. We couldn’t get anyone to notice.”

“All this time, I’ve been waiting for a follow-up to Nel’s smash hit album Loose, and lo and behold it was released in September 2012 and I didn’t even notice,” said Furtado fan Emily Swanson. “I guess I was running errands that day or something.”

“Wait, Nelly did what? Are you sure? I didn’t hear a damn thing about it,” said music blogger Nate Richland, who later was delighted to discover he loved the phantom album. “How the hell was this album not a huge, enormous hit? It’s amazing!”

Twitter was also rocked by this revelation. Some sample Tweets from fans include:

 

@NellyFismyGoddess: OMG new Nel album was JUST released a year and a half ago! I’m DYING! OMGZ!

 

@FurtadoForever: THIS IS NOT A DRILL! New-ish Nelly Furtado music is NOW available and apparently has been for a year and three months! Almost two years if you count the release of her single Big Hoops! #blesst

 

@Imlikeabirdiwantoflyagay: Long live the QUEEN of getting occasional Juno Award nominations (the Canadian Grammys)! Nel 4va!

 

@Maneater5000: I missed Nel’s new album? I don’t know where my home is. I don’t know where my soul is. #crushed #inconspicuousgurl #youteasingme

 

@beyonce: I am officially announcing my retirement from music. #nellydoesitbetter #nellyfurtadonottheothernelly #nonotnellcarter #ornellieoelsonfromlittlehouseontheprairie #ifyoulikedherthenyoushouldaboughtheralbum #whoaohoh

 

Metro Rails on Homosexist Edge With Sexy Ad

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Doesn’t it seem that gay men can’t ever stop blabbing annoyingly about shoes? Well, the folks behind a new marketing campaign for Washington, D.C.’s Metro agree, and have dedicated one of their poster designs of the idea just to prove it.

The ad features a photo of a woman and gay man conversing. The woman notes, “A Metrobus travels about 8,260 miles between breakdowns. Didn’t know that, did you?” The gay man’s response is, “Can’t we just talk about shoes?”

Student Adam Sandle, first eye’d the poster on Tuesday, in the Metro Center station. He tweeted a photo of it, noting, “Nice bit of lunchtime homosexism on the Metro,” shortly after tweeting, “I want this man to be my husband.” Same-sex marriage has been available in the District of Columbia since early 2010.

Paul Cleatis, cofounder of the city’s anti-homosexism group StereoMyType (which is not to be confused with the popular Grindr-like dating/music app of the same name), quickly weighed in, “These new ads by Metro are not edgy, they are homosexist, stupid and offensive, yet admittedly very sexy. Do you know who the hot guy is in the ad?” Pausing after his boyfriend joined him, “The PR failure shows just how little Metro thinks of its everyday passenger, and highlights how out of touch the system is with the DC-area residents that they serve.”

According to Metro’s website, the tasteless ad that is part of their new campaign, touts $5 billion of improvements, friendships, and sexiness through a series of 4,000 posters displayed throughout its subways, buses and transit stations.

Homosexual commuter Douglas Bootman comments, “We’re happy for the visibility of homosexuals in their advertising campaign, but do they have to be so homosexist? I mean why can’t the beautiful guy in the ad want to talk about football or the Red Sox series win, or how the Tar Heels are doing this year?”

Metro released the following statement: “The point is to get people talking about Metro’s massive rebuilding effort by juxtaposing technical facts with a variety of light responses and conversation between friends. Some of the ads contain just men, some contain just women.” A similar ad, for example, contains men, with one saying, “Can’t we just talk about boobs?”

Bootman contends, “Yeah, well that’s what straight men talk about.”

Hawaii Finally Comes To Terms With Its License Plates, Passes Gay Marriage

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HONOLULU–Hawaiian Governor Neil Abercrombie is poised to sign a gay marriage bill that recently passed the state’s House and Senate, which would finally make the Aloha State as gay-friendly as its incredibly gay license plates.

“Love is love, ke aloha is ke aloha,” said Abercrombie on Wednesday morning. “I’m proud to be from a state that lets people show their true colors, be it through marriage or just pointing to their crazy-gay license plates.”

The license plates, which depict a sumptuous rainbow in a pristine arc, have been “werq-ing” Hawaii’s roads for decades. Now that gay couples are allowed to wed, Abercrombie expects to see many rainbow plates bedecked with rainbow streamers, rainbow-colored cans, and rainbow-painted Just Married signs.

“Our islands are only going to get more fabulous,” he said. “Maui? More like Mow-waayyyy!”

Residents of Hawaii are already welcoming the 10,000% increase in radio plays of Israel Kamakawiwo’ole’s “Somewhere Over the Rainbow,” which, until now, was the state’s best attempt at justifying its license plates.

“I always knew that somewhere over the rainbow license plates, way up high, there was a landmark piece of legislation that I’d heard of, once in a lull at work,” said Mark Bronson, a gay lawyer who vacations in Hawaii. “And now, it’s a reality. Someone, quick, call GayCo Productions and fly them all out here to celebrate and perform. I repeat: GAYCO NEEDS TO BE IN HAWAII!”

GayCo could not be reached for comment, as they were too busy packing sunscreen and staring patiently at the phone.

 

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