GOP Errorist Cell Uncovered

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WASHINGTON – After landing a deadly attack of misinformation to it’s sworn enemy, the U.S. government, and the Great Satan, Barack Obama, GOP error cells around the Beltway Zone have effectively shut down the American government.

The misinformation blast targeted Obamacare, claiming incorrectly that it would destroy humanity as we know it, but due to the error cell’s crude weaponry, it wildly missed its mark, causing thousands civilian casualties across national parks and, ironically, their own staff’s offices.

So far, it looks like the errorists are refusing to negotiate.

“They hate us for our democracy,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV). “Everything that a functional government needs to survive, they are rabidly against. I don’t understand where all this hate comes from.”

Republican errorists been celebrating on social media and fringe-right message boards and praising that God is Great. The CIA expects increased errorist activity in the coming weeks as the Debt Ceiling debate ignites.

The Government has been effectively shut down through these errorist tactics, which zeroed in on critical infrastructure, national parks and impoverished regions of the country less able to defend themselves.

A video of GOP error cell leader John Boehner has been released where he celebrates the attack and calls for more lower class Americans to become martyrs and support the GOP’s cause by sacrificing their health, jobs and finances.

“Democrats come into our lands and homes uninvited, tell us what to do, impose their values on us and force us to accept their Western democracy,” said Boehner. “We will no longer stand for this! We will use all the misinformation we have available to us and sacrifice our political careers to stop the Great Satan Obama. And then we will all celebrate in paradise with 40 virgins. And by that I mean we will go to Buffalo Wild Wings with the Tea Party caucus.”

Boehner and his GOP cell then rolled out mats and prayed in the direction of the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library.

Obama, in response to the 10/1 attack, has urged Americans to remain vigilant and brave.

“We can’t let the errorists win,” said Obama. “We cannot live in fear of the GOP and their calculated campaign against logic. We must show them what our version of freedom and democracy means. I urge all America to go about our day and go shopping…for health care.”

Others are urging tolerance at a time when anti-conservative violence has begun to spike.

“These errorists are in no way representative of what traditional conservatism stands for,” said former moderate Republican senator Olympia Snowe. “Most of us are not fanatical extremists. We have families and jobs and wish for peace. Please, do not make the simplistic, sweeping judgement against an entire belief system.”

Reports are already surfacing of altercations between groups of angry Americans and registered Republicans, including an attack on several Men’s Warehouse suit salesman that left one spray-painted with the words “Errist Skum.”

“We’re not even Republicans!” said Tom Bradshaw, one of the victims. “Just because we wear cheap suits and are white and puffy and breathe angrily through our mouths does not mean we believe in destroying affordable health care for low-income Americans so that wealthy investors and corporations don’t have to spend money they clearly, clearly have–we’re in an era of records profits, remember–on providing their (hopefully) valued employees with basic health care. That’s insane!”

In response to the events of 10/1, the Error Alert level has been raised to it’s highest level yet:  Fox & Friends On a Good Day.

Also, Susan Sarandon and Janeane Garafolo are organizing a telethon to restore the government, and the Dixie Chicks have released a new single: “Where Were You When The Parks Stopped Opening.”

 

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