Gwyneth Paltrow’s 5 Easy Tips For Healthy Co-Starring in a Summer Superhero Franchise

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By Gwyneth Paltrow* (reposted from her lifestyle site GOOP.com)

 

It’s one of those days: You’re sunning peacefully on your yacht in Monte Carlo and sipping an organic carrot juice spritzer as part of a seven-day juice fast to get ready for Paris Fashion Week when suddenly the phone rings and you’re cast in a blockbuster superhero franchise and you’re suddenly at the mercy of shooting schedules and craft services. Don’t you hate when that happens? I do too! Holla to the moms out there!

How do you balance your organic, holistic lifestyle with on-location shoots and unreliable catering? How do you keep your beauty regimen up despite your character’s reddish bangs?

Next time you land a role as a sexy, smart female assistant to a quippy superhero in an all-star comic book blockbuster adaptation, remember these 5 easy tips to keeping that tummy trim and your spirit fed!

 

Bring Your Own Kimchi

It’s the age-old dilemma: The spiced Korean vegetable selection on your film’s craft services spread is obviously lacking, but you don’t want to make a fuss and be labeled as difficult and fired and replaced by Emma Stone. Here’s a timeless solution: Have your assistant store sixteen to twenty-four individual, hand-blown Italian glass containers filled with kimchi in your self-refrigerated Dolce & Gabana seal skin picnic basket. Then, once on set, simply ask for a large artisan refrigerator in your trailer, chill and eat during breaks or whenever you have a craving!

 

Tell The Director Your Bikram Yoga Guru is Your Cousin

I wouldn’t dare step on set without Rishki, my Bikram Yoga guru. I can’t afford an extra tummy fat when I’m filming my reaction shots to Robert Downey Jr.’s sort-of-humorous, long-winded monologues about new Iron Man suit technology. However, some directors don’t like shirtless Indian men with crystals glued to their chest hanging around set (apparently boom mikes can pick up their finger chimes), so simply tell the director Rishki is your cousin Lloyd and he’s working on a paper for a college class. If the director doesn’t believe you, simply burst into tears and run away to your trailer and slam the door three or four times. Then, after five minutes, return and apologize to everyone and tell the director you are in love with his vision. Remember to have your assistant offer the gaffers some of your homemade chard-and-tarragon ceviche! You don’t want to be replaced by Emma Stone.

 

No Voss Water Colonics On Stunt Day!

I know, I know. It’s hard for me to go even a day without four or five lavender-infused Voss Water colonics, too. But as all us ladies know, if you thanklessly star in enough male-dominated installations of a blockbuster superhero movie franchise, your helpless character might eventually get to do cool stuff! This means you’ll have to do stunts, like duck gunfire or hold tightly to Robert Downey Jr. while dangling in front of a green screen. Save your colonics for days where you won’t be upside down or running. Trust me! I learned the hard way. They might as well have called my movie Sliding Doors, Sliding Drawers! Holla! Oh, and when you DO have a colonic, try adding a pinch of truffle oil to the water. It’ll take years off of your colon!

 

Sobbing About Your Career = Great Ab Workout!

Sure, you may be starring in what’s sure to be the summer’s biggest hit. And you’ve may have just been named People Magazine’s Most Beautiful Woman in the World. But a true actress knows she has to sob about the trajectory of her career at least twice while on set, mostly because it’s a fantastic way to tone up those abs! First, sit in the director’s chair. Next, as your assistant tries to feed you your kimchi, try sobbing for five seconds with your chest in your lap. Then, slowly sit straight up to swat away co-stars’ hands as they try to console you. Repeat 6-8 times. For your obliques, try sobbing in the opposite direction of the director, who is trying to get you to get out of his chair. Hold for sixty seconds and then turn and face your director and scream about how worthless you feel, while holding that side for sixty seconds as well. Repeat 6-8 times.

 

Steal All Your Character’s Jewelry

Just snatch that shit up on the last day. All of it. Get Rishki or whatever the fuck his name is to pull the Fiat around and keep it running and just BAM! Put it all in your empty kimchi containers and hide in your artisan picnic basket and say your goodbyes then run and jump in the back seat and yell “GO GO GO!” Then wear all that jewelry later and tell Melissa Rivers on the red carpet it’s $10,000 of Tiffany/Buccellati/Harry Winston, because she don’t fuckin’ know. Fuck her. Don’t be a little bitch, just steal it. It’s the last day of shooting. What are they going to do? Replace you with Emma Stone?

 

 

Holla to the moms out there!

 

*Not actually written by Gwyneth Paltrow, who we hear is delightful

 

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