Hurricane to Collide With Shitstorm
TAMPA, FL – As the Republican leaders gear up for for the big Republican National Convention, meterologists are worried that Tropical Storm Isaac — on track to become a hurricane — will collide with the enormously dangerous shitstorm set to brew over Tampa on Tuesday.
“This is an unprecedented weather event,” said Dawn Patterson, director of the National Weather Service. “We have what looks like it will become a Level 2 or 3 hurricane hurtling straight toward a extremely hot cloud of hysterical, frothing bullshit.”
The shitstorm, which already covers much of the conservative south and large stretches of the Great Plains, will become exponentially stronger and more concentrated as Republican luminaries from across the country descend upon Tampa early next week to spread their ideas. This confluence of hot-headed, dangerous rhetoric will create an updraft of rabid, unbending nationalism and a high-pressure bubble of fear-mongering and vague hatred of everything, according to the National Weather Service.
Combined with 100-plus mile per hour winds, heavy rains and flood conditions, this could spell trouble for convention attendees.
“There’s going to be shit everywhere,” said convention janitor Lee Bukolski. “Just…so much shit.”
“It’s going to be an enormous, tragic disaster for America,” said Patterson. “And if the hurricane hits, it’ll just make it worse.”
Tampa Police Chief Mark Bird says his force is ready to respond to emergency calls, but doubts the city’s overall readiness for such an unprecedented meterological cataclysm.
“Don’t believe what you hear,” said Bird. “When faced with a legitimate shitstorm, the city of Tampa <i>doesn’t</i> have a way to shut that whole thing down.”