Russians Banned From Discussing How Gay Fabergé Eggs Are

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MOSCOW – In another sweeping anti-gay move by the Russian government, all discussion of the blatant gayness of the country’s famed Fabergé Eggs has been banned, with a penalty of up to five years in prison. The country’s lower house of parliament voted 436-0 for the Our Eggs Are Not Gay Bill, which President Vladimir Putin is expected to sign into law with a hunting dagger dipped in bear’s blood, whilst shirtless.

“This is about protecting Russian values from the homosexual agenda,” said lawmaker Josef Botkrek. “We will not have these impeccably crafted, audaciously jeweled, boldly colored and fancifully decorated artifacts be associated with anything other than masculine, rugged heteronormativity.”

Critics of the bill point to the fact that every single one of the 42 surviving, original Fabergé Eggs is gay as fuck.

“I mean, just look at them,” said Russian LGBT activist Mikail Vladinov. “I couldn’t come up with something that looked gayer if I lived for 10,000 years in a commune of vegan unicorns.”

 

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(The Lillies of the Valley Egg, crafted circa 1898, just sittin’ there being gayer than Liberace farting rainbow glitter while reading the part of the “There’s a sale at Penneys!” guy from the movie Airplane! during a staged reading in a Provincetown bathhouse hot tub filled with male ice dancers writing dialogue for Kurt from Glee)

 

Russian lawmakers shrug off suggestions their bill is hate-fueled. “Mother Russia is a place where men are men, and our Faberge Eggs are macho, like American footballs or pot roasts cooked by our crying, big-breasted wives. They are in no way homosexual,” said Botkrak.

Botkrak’s claim, however, has been challenged as several lost Faberge Eggs have recently been rediscovered: the Moonflower Egg, the Muscle Bear Egg, the All-You-Can-Drink-Mimosas-at-Angelinas Brunch Egg, and the Hay Gurl Hayyy Werq Dat Ass Egg.

 

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