Does Sochi’s Biathlon Course Really Go Both Ways?

SOCHI, RUSSIA–Controversy has been no stranger to the Sochi Olympics, but fans of biathlon were shocked today by rumors that the 2.5 kilometer track is a ski-only course.The “Laura” Biathlon Complex is home to the sport, which includes cross-country skiing and rifle shooting, but its history with the event is a mixed bag. Norwegian athlete […]

Internet Shocked to Learn Nelly Furtado Released New Album a Year and a Half Ago

    HOLLYWOOD – The Internet is abuzz with shocking news today: that beloved, platinum-selling pop artist Nelly Furtado released a full album of all-new material over a year and a half ago and somehow no one noticed. The album, The Spirit Indestructible, which included 12 new songs, four strongly produced singles and five high-quality videos, sold […]

GOP Errorist Cell Uncovered

  WASHINGTON – After landing a deadly attack of misinformation to it’s sworn enemy, the U.S. government, and the Great Satan, Barack Obama, GOP error cells around the Beltway Zone have effectively shut down the American government. The misinformation blast targeted Obamacare, claiming incorrectly that it would destroy humanity as we know it, but due […]

How Will Empty Nest End?

    HOLLYWOOD – After airing its jaw-dropping penultimate episode, beloved NBC sitcom Empty Nest has taken the Internet by storm with speculation as to how this dark, violent modern epic will end. The second-to-last episode, My Pal Valy-Val, saw the iconic, disturbed, anti-hero pediatrician Dr. Harry Weston go on a camping trip to get […]

Russians Banned From Discussing How Gay Fabergé Eggs Are

    MOSCOW – In another sweeping anti-gay move by the Russian government, all discussion of the blatant gayness of the country’s famed Fabergé Eggs has been banned, with a penalty of up to five years in prison. The country’s lower house of parliament voted 436-0 for the Our Eggs Are Not Gay Bill, which […]

Marcus Bachmann, Minnesota Bathhouse Patron, Won’t Seek Re-Erection

    ST. PAUL – Eight-year member of Congress Avenue bathhouse Man Spa Marcus Bachmann won’t seek re-erection after a recent visit left him embroiled in a finance scandal. Bachmann, a six-time mayor of Man Spa of Foursquare and a leading figure in the spa’s recent teabagging movement, has decided to spend more time with […]

Drag Queen Comes Out as Boring

  FT. LAUDERDALE–Inspired by the recent coming out of NBA center Jason Collins, the first for a still-active male professional athlete, Ft. Lauderdale drag queen Anna Histamine has come out as the first openly boring drag queen in American history. “I’ve been living a lie and wanted to be true to myself,” said “And, despite […]

Hurricane to Collide With Shitstorm

  TAMPA, FL – As the Republican leaders gear up for for the big Republican National Convention, meterologists are worried that Tropical Storm Isaac — on track to become a hurricane — will collide with the enormously dangerous shitstorm set to brew over Tampa on Tuesday. “This is an unprecedented weather event,” said Dawn Patterson, director of […]

Chick-Fil-A Just Wants First Time To Be Special, Says Tragic and Oblivious Girlfriend

COLLEGE PARK, GEORGIA – Even though they’ve been dating for more than 7 years, Abigail Johnston and fast food chain Chick-Fil-A are in no hurry to take things to the next level. “Chick-Fil-A just wants the first time to be really special,” said Johnston as she looked vacantly into the distance. “He just gets tired after we gorge on […]

America Turns 236, Can Finally Retire

WASHINGTON D.C. – After more than 200 years in the workforce, America is finally able to afford to retire, according to lawmakers on Capitol Hill. America has a long history of odd and low-paying jobs. It entered the workforce as an operator of an Eli Whitney cotton gin, was an Indian river guide in the 1850s, worked at […]

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