Tom Cruise And Katy Holmes Divorce, Cite Irreconcilable Thetans

 

 

HOLLYWOOD CA – One thing is “clear”: the fairytale romance between Tom Cruise and Katy Holmes is over and they’ve cited “irreconcilable thetans” as their reason.

A source close to the couple says the couple couldn’t agree on which level of Scientology auditing constituted being “clear” of thetans, or the highly controlling alien souls that were thrown into an Earth volcano and now live inside all of us.  

Cruise, proclaimed to have reached the “Operating Thetan” level, felt Holmes needed to be OT, wheras Holmes felt being a level below OT, or Clear, was sufficient.

“I mean, it’s called Clear,” said a close friend to Holmes. “Katy felt you shouldn’t call it Clear if you’re not actually Clear, you know?”

Evidence that the lingering presence of clusters of all-knowing beings that willed themselves into existance 1 trillion years ago and have taken to inhabiting human hosts via a capsuling process on Venus in order to perpetuate a complex game involving mass and energy inside Holmes was affecting her storybook marriage surfaced recently as this spring, when Cruise hinted as a growing rift between the Hollywood royalty.

“You know, I had trouble being told what to do, but I some people I know  just like being the unwitting the playthings of puckish alien spirits,” said Cruise, answering a question about choreography while promoting Rock of Ages. “It’s like, why get out of bed in the morning if you’re just going to let parasitic thetan postulates do all the work for you?”

Cruise was seen early Friday morning on Hollywood Boulevard, taking seventeen stress tests at a booth set up outside the Scientology Center.

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