Dear Gov Pence : A Letter of Northern Aggression


Dear Gov Pence,

The IL boys are not thrilled about your little private bill signing party on Thursday.  We always knew that we had a boiling red state below us, but this little law has really gotten our hot pants in a bind. The thing is summer is coming up and we rely on  3 things from your state – Gambling, Fireworks and safe passage to Saugatuck.

  1. We’re gamblers and we love the Horseshoe in Hammond. We love the slots, we love the tables, and we especially love the buffet. Most of the Bears* only go for the buffet.               *Fat Hairy Gay Guys
  2. Fireworks – We need your fireworks outlets to supply our need to blow shit up. Indiana is the closest place to feed this desire.
  3. THE MOST IMPORTANT – SAUGATUCK. At the end of May we are going to start a mass exodus from Chicago to our Summer Oasis in Michigan.  The quickest way for us to get there is to pass through your state. If we have to go around your state, It tacks an extra 7 hours onto our trip. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

We know you needed to do a little posturing for your constituents and special interests but this law is really gonna bum up our summer.  Please find it in your ‘heart’ to repeal this law as to not ruin our summer rituals.  If not, we will all be forced to come to the state line and piss on your state… and you don’t want to see a 300 lb bull dyke poppin a squat on your state line…

In Earnestness,
The Chicago Gays



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