Dear Gov Pence : A Letter of Northern Aggression


Dear Gov Pence,

The IL boys are not thrilled about your little private bill signing party on Thursday.  We always knew that we had a boiling red state below us, but this little law has really gotten our hot pants in a bind. The thing is summer is coming up and we rely on  3 things from your state – Gambling, Fireworks and safe passage to Saugatuck.

  1. We’re gamblers and we love the Horseshoe in Hammond. We love the slots, we love the tables, and we especially love the buffet. Most of the Bears* only go for the buffet.               *Fat Hairy Gay Guys
  2. Fireworks – We need your fireworks outlets to supply our need to blow shit up. Indiana is the closest place to feed this desire.
  3. THE MOST IMPORTANT – SAUGATUCK. At the end of May we are going to start a mass exodus from Chicago to our Summer Oasis in Michigan.  The quickest way for us to get there is to pass through your state. If we have to go around your state, It tacks an extra 7 hours onto our trip. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

We know you needed to do a little posturing for your constituents and special interests but this law is really gonna bum up our summer.  Please find it in your ‘heart’ to repeal this law as to not ruin our summer rituals.  If not, we will all be forced to come to the state line and piss on your state… and you don’t want to see a 300 lb bull dyke poppin a squat on your state line…

In Earnestness,
The Chicago Gays



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Hold On, Anus Needs A Break, According to Anus


TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA– After three exhausting hours of hard pounding by a massive cock interrupted by angry, unceremonious fingering with barely any lube, a trembling, engorged anus belonging to Tea Party member Earl Dunger needed a break, accordingly to sources close to the anus.

“Hold on, I just need to catch my breath,” the anus reportedly said. “I mean, it’s great, but I just need to relax for a second. Maybe check in with the mouth for a minute?”

The anus, which was described as “hairy and kind of lumpy around the rim, but still nice. You know, like a normal older guy butthole,” surprised onlookers with its initial endurance and tenacity.

“I can take a beating, believe me,” said the anus. “But there comes a point where I’m just like ‘enough!’ Plus, I have this hemorrhoid that kinda pops out sometimes, so it can be painful to keep swallowing penis after a while.”

The massive cock, which reportedly belonged to Birmingham-based escort Jack Rawtop, was unhappy about the pause.

“I want to see what’s up there, plain and simple. And if I’m not slamming past intestinal lining, visible capillaries and flecks of fecal smudge, what the fuck am I doing here, amirite?” said Rawtop’s penis. “Also, I haven’t vomited in like three and a half days, and that is WAY too long.”

The anus, however, was reportedly ready after a couple minutes break, which included a trip to the bathroom to be gently dabbed with toilet paper.

“A lady always has to look her best,” said the anus. “And so do I. Thank God there wasn’t any blood, just a little Santorum.”


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Top 10 Selfie Trends That Annoy Me Because I Probably Need A Hobby

I apologize in advance to my some of my friends who show up in these pictures. You don’t annoy me. Selfie trends annoy me. The word selfie annoys me. I should seriously take a pottery class or something. I have way too much time on my hands. Anyways:


10. Fake Emotion Selfie

Fake Emotion

I realize that affected facial expressions have become so commonplace these days that people have become desensitized to the insincerity. Not me. It hurts the same every time. When you take a picture of yourself, because no one loves you enough to take one for you, I understand that you’re actually looking at your hand – and you want to make it interesting. Maybe you’re pretending your hand just told you something shocking; maybe your hand just told a funny joke – that offended you; or maybe your hand accidentally walked in on you taking a bubble bath and you’re feeling a mixture of shock and mischievous pleasure. Regardless, I know for certain that as soon as the button was pushed, your expression went back to zero and you checked to make sure you looked sexy-surprised before posting it to Instagram to collect your hard-earned likes. I refuse to like your lie. I’ll just keep on scrolling for genuineness. Or maybe I’ll go to a museum or something.


9. Wrinkle Faced/Sneer Selfie


Since, Dylan McKay made forehead wrinkles sexy for young men on B.H. 90210 in the 90’s, men have tried to emulate that same brooding look to get chicks and dudes. It looks like you’re in pain or that you just squirted lemon juice in your stupid eyes, and maybe I can fix you! However, this anguished look has morphed over time, since you added your goofy looking mouth to the mix. This is not even a fake emotion. It’s nothing. You’re like a baby who’s just discovering what her facial muscles can do and you LOVE yourself for it. I am seriously going to throw up. That, or I could join a book club maybe.


8. V Sign Selfie

2 Fingers

God. Damn. It. Did you even know it was called a V Sign selfie? Or were you just doing it because LL Cool J did it? I had to look it up. This symbol has been used to represent the letter “V” as in “victory”, especially by Allied troops during World War II. That must be why you use it when you’re admiring yourself in your phone screen while standing in front of the sea lion tank at Brookfield Zoo. No wait, you think it makes you look thuggish. It doesn’t. I will call you out every time I see this. Then again, I might take up cycling. I could use the exercise.


7. Middle Finger Selfie

Middle Finger

Hey fuck you too buddy! Unlike the V Sign, you know full well what the middle finger means. It’s offensive and has caused road rage and bar fights and most likely murder. You are the bringer of hurt feelings to all who visit your social media page. Why would anyone want to be friends with you, you dick? Try LOVE, like the idiot making the stupid heart symbol on the bottom right. I get so angry, and then I calm down a bit when I realize (again) that, in reality, you are standing all by yourself, directing this obscenity at your other hand. I won’t waste any more stress on you. I might learn Spanish instead.


6. Gun to Head Selfie


Pull the trigger. I’m begging you. I’ve taken 3 years of improv classes. THAT IS NOT HOW YOU MAKE A GUN WITH YOUR HAND! Your hand should be gripping the handle, with your index finger wrapped around the trigger. Nice try. You do not move on to Conservatory level 3. You do not make an improv team. You may as well dig a hole in your temple with your fingernail because that’s what it looks like to me – based on my training. Also, what’s with your face? Way too quirky for suicide. Next! And yes, Sean Pean and Al Bundy do it too. This goes all the way to the top. E-mail me at, and I will promptly respond with the correct way to mime a gun. On the other hand, no one seems to collect stamps anymore – maybe I could give that a try.


5. Ducklips Selfie


Like mullets, everyone knows Ducklips selfies are ridiculous and unnerving. And, like mullets, they still fucking happen. How is this? In 2015, how can it be? You KNOW everyone hates this stupid pose, right? It’s like a 21st century plague to my eyes. Full disclosure, back in the day, I kinda liked it because it made guys look dopey, and that’s kinda hot sometimes. It didn’t have a name back then. We just called it “the face.” “That guy is making ‘the face.’ Hot!” But you ruined it by doing it too much and trying (actually trying) to look like botox monsters. You killed “the face.” And now I want to kill your face. I wonder how much season tickets cost for Broadway in Chicago.


4. Hot Guy with Toothbrush Selfie

Tooth Brush

I don’t get it. You’re hot. You spend all that time on your body. You put as much time into your muscles as I do into my fatness, which is a lot. I get fatter 6x a week – the same amount of times you hit the gym. With all that effort, are you afraid we think you’re neglecting dental hygiene. Just smile, and we’ll know it’s all good in the teeth department. It just makes me think of that awful dry brushing sound that happens when people on TV brush their teeth. I literally gag when I look at your crappy picture. I JUST —

Tooth Brush - Alright

Oh… Ok you’re fine. Disregard number 4.


3. Gay Male Pictures with Your Female Friend Selfie – FOR GRINDR

Girl 2

I won’t say fag hag because that offends some people. Also, I blurred out your faces because it’s tacky to steal pictures from a hook up app and post them for the world to see. Don’t you think it’s equally tacky to post these poor girls’ pictures on Grindr? There are dudes out there jackin it, specifically looking for dick and/or ass, and there’s you and Kylliee looking sassy together in front of a mirror, werkin’ it hard to shrink the world’s boner. I promise you, she does not make you look pimp! Does Kylliee know she’s on a gay hook up app? EVERY TIME I see this I will message them and ask, “You the girl?” They inevitably reply “LOL no, I’m the other one.” I simply say, “Oh, nevermind then” and block them. I love to be the cause of confusion. I also love building model airplanes. That could be fun.


2. Tongue Out Selfie


Da fuk you think you’re doing? You are not as adorable as you think you are, I promise. That one guy is licking his own nasty arm pit, and he thinks he’s cuter than young/alive Shirley Temple. Have you ever really looked at a tongue? They are wet and bumpy and expand and contract and pulsate. They’re like worms – they have movement free from brain activity. There is no reason for this picture to happen. There’s nothing natural about this picture. You’re not making a face that happens in real life. You made the decision to let a part of your face hang out where it doesn’t belong for the sake of phony quirkiness. Hey, I think I’ll just pop my eye ball out of its socket to be quirky. Wouldn’t that be cute? An alternative would be making and selling friendship bracelets.


1. Sticking With What Works Selfie

Good side

You’ve found your good side. Congrats! How’s the other side of your face doing because I haven’t seen it in years? Were you attacked from the right by a tiger and survived? This doesn’t annoy me so much as I want to help you. Help you pick out a new shirt, perhaps. Help you stop looking so perplexed. Maybe you could take a selfie in a new environment – the forest, by moonlight, candlelight, at a bus stop. Change it up so I can stalk your page in peace. Or maybe I can go work in a soup kitchen. Nah, they’d probably get mad at me for being on my phone all the time. I don’t need that kinda stress in my life.


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Pence signs ‘Religious Freedom’ bill with disappearing Ink


INDIANAPOLIS, IN (WAVE) – Gov. Mike Pence signed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act in a private ceremony on Thursday, despite strong opposition from those concerned the bill could allow discrimination against gay people.

In signing the bill, Indiana becomes the first state to enact such a measure this year among about a dozen in which such proposals have been introduced.

Then in an even more private ceremony, in a bathroom with a hot mic still recording,  he mumbled to himself  “…they don’t even know.  I love the boys… disappearing ink.”

 While the bill was rushed from the media’s eyes, We have strong reason to believe that the governor is a closeted homosexual that has the need to service who ever is in front of him and fraudulently signed the bill with magic disappearing ink, said IN Press Secretary, Kara Brooks.

When  the IN Press Secretary, Kara Brooks (@KaraBrooks03)  was comforted with more questions about the allegations of the possible fraudulent signing of the bill – Hooisers Hate Homos  (as it has affectionately been named)she simply broke into a rousing rendition  of  Hozier’s  “Take Me To Church”

Five Fun Optical Illusions

Merriam-Webster defines an optical illusion as

something that looks different from what it is – something you see but that is not really there.

Recently the world was a’buzz with the different perceptions regarding the color of a dress.  Here are 5 more Optical Illusions you can disagree about when you share them with your friends!



[1] Is this a bear or a mer-man twink?bear or merman

It is necessary to organize incoming sensations into information which is meaningful.  e.g. what do you see in this picture and which one are you more attracted to?

This is done is by perceiving individual sensory stimuli as a meaningful whole. Gestalt organization can be used to explain many illusions, like the bear/mer-man twink illusion where the image as a whole switches back and forth from being a Norse-like bear then being a fancy hat wearing mer-man twink.


[2] Does this vehicle need gas?fuel-gauge 4

Illusions can be based on an individual’s ability to see in three dimensions even though the image hitting the retina is only two dimensional. The Ponzo illusion is an example of an illusion which uses monocular cues of depth perception to fool the eye.

The human mind judges the fuel tank’s size based on its background (i.e. the proximity of gas stations), so some may panic and say it needs gas.  Some may say there are 20, 30, or more miles left.

Electric vehicle owners simply laugh at this illusion.


[3] Is this a lesbian or a teenage boy?

(A Bieber photo would have been too easy.)lesbteen 1Visual illusions occur because the circuitry in our visual system evolves, by neural learning. The colors, usual shapes, labels, and juiciness in the pantsuits about the things we see, pop up instantaneously and influence the representation of the scene.  The illusions arise when the “judgments” implied in the unconscious analysis of the scene are in conflict with reasoned considerations about it.

You have the cognitive process hypothesis to thank for the re-questioning of your sexual preferences caused by this illusion.


[4] Is this insane or make complete sense?tp5

Just as the normal functioning brain perceives color and brightness constancies, it also has the ability to understand familiar objects as having a consistent shape, size, or orientation. For example a door is perceived as rectangle regardless of how the image may change on the retina as the door is opened and closed.  Likewise, the toilet paper roll would be perceived a making complete sense in the photo shown.

Insane people’s brains, however, do not always follow the rules of orientation constancy and may change the roll to a ‘hard-to-grab wall-hugging’ orientation.  This occurs when the perspective is changed or the roll is empty.


[5] Is this beer glass half empty or half fullHalf-full-pint-glass-beer

In this geometrical-optical illusion, the geometrical properties of what is seen differ from those of the corresponding objects in the visual field. It’s based on regarding the deviation from true size, shape or position as caused by the assignment of a percept to a meaningful but inappropriate object class.

The illusion is dependent on context-sensitivity, volume, mood, and how much you have consumed so far.  Other factors include surrounding beers for comparison, and loss or gain of opportunities.

Speaking of opportunities – this would be a good time to bring up the Plea the Fifth Party with GayCo at the Waterhouse (3407 N Paulina, Chicago) on March 28th.  Open bar from 8-11pm with $25 wristband!  A sure fire way to get your glass all the way full!




Were these optical illusions fun (as the title portrayed) or frustrating and annoying like most of them are?

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