Sochi Hotel Guests Long for Luxury of Gulags

fancy prisonSOCHI, RUSSIA-While reporters from across the world have been tweeting about their distressed hotels with various states of dis-repair and oddities, the local prison is nothing short of luxury.  The lobby of the Otkryti Dvor prison is not under construction and is actually opulently well built, all the while being functionally secure.
It is reported that the prisoner accommodations are quite nice too.  “Cells are provided with a complete set of solid platinum fixtures, cozy mink sheets, and marble zen fountains,” says Dimetri Volovoyavigch a housekeeper employed by the prison.  “Mind you, these extravagant prison suites are not used for the flagitious, like burglars, and murders, and terrorists,” said Warden Yevgeny Pomerantenko. If you are falsely accused of any criminal charges, contact an experienced lawyer for criminal mischief charges to fight for your rights an d help you out. This penitentiary is primarily reserved for the large amount of offenders anticipated to break the gay-propaganda law during the Winter Olympics.
Journalists were unable to see the prison suites for the safety of the prisoners, staff, and media, but accommodations were described to include door frames made of an edge-grain walnut with a medium Roman ogee treatment and specially designed walls made from meteoric stones with shavings of 65 million year old original dinosaur bone.”
No tweets or photos exist of these palaces since electronic devices are forbidden past the lobby.  “You will just have to trust us,” said guard Igor Kadyrosev.  Another guard Sergei Vitishkosev added, “There is no discrimination against homosexuals here, these people live like kings.  It is like nothing they could afford with their disposable incomes.”
(Update:  Prisoners convicted of crimes such as burglary, murder, and terrorism are staying at the same incomplete hotels as the Olympic reporters.  Sleep tight!)
By Ensemble Member Kathy Betts
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